Have you heard the story of the magic sandwich? Never mind, it's just a bunch of bologna.
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A neutron walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer. How much will that be?" The bartender responds, "For you? No charge!"
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An American, a Vietnamese, a Mexican, a Brazilian, a Canadian, a German, a Turk, and a Russian walk into a fancy restaurant. When they got to the front desk, they were kicked out because they did not have a Thai.
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Q: Why does a milking stool only have 3 legs?
A: Because the cow has the utter.
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Q: Where can you find the biggest amount of the largest sized women's lingerie in the world?
A: In Africa: there's thousands of Z bras.
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Q: What do you call a midget psychic who just escaped from prison?
A: A small medium at large.
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This crazy guy walks into a restaurant and tells the waiter, “Lemme get a cheeseburger, not too rare, not too well done, but right in the groove. Lemme get some fries, not too crispy, not too burnt, but right in the groove. And while you’re at it, throw in a shake, not too thin, not too thick, but right in groove.” The waiter took down the order and came back five minutes later and told the man, “The cook said you can kiss his ass, not to the left, not to the right, but right in the groove.”
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Q: What did one wall say to the other wall?
A: "Meet you at the corner!"
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I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
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Q: Why did they have to bury George Washington standing up?
A: Because he could never lie.
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Q: Why did the man take toilet paper to the party?
A: Because he was a party pooper.
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Q: Why is a river rich?
A: It has banks on both sides.
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Waiter: "Do you want any dessert?"
Teddy Bear: "No Thanks. I'm Stuffed!"
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Q: Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex?
A: Because they were watch dogs.
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Teacher: "What is the largest city?"
Student: "Electricity!"
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At last, the long-awaited finale of the televised poem competition had arrived.
The pope, who was a keen lyricist and writer of poems, had to everyone’s surprise entered the competition. He immediately announced that he would only be reciting poems about personal spiritual experiences. Despite this limitation, it turned out he was gifted with words and he had made it all the way to the final. His opponent was the favorite to win: a Harvard linguistics professor on the top of his career and with a mind as sharp as a knife’s edge.
The Harvard professor was up first. He was informed of the rules: "Two minutes to come up with a poem, and it must involve Timbuktu." The clock started, and when the time was up the Harvard professor approached the microphone:
"On my way through desert sand
Met a lonely caravan
Men on camels, two by two
Destination: Timbuktu."
The crowd went wild. Commentators were lyrical. This was without a doubt the best poem of the competition. The Harvard professor had done it again! But as the crowd settled down their spirits sank. As far as anyone knew, the pope had never been to Timbuktu, which was soon confirmed by the TV commentator. How could the pope have a personal spiritual experience with such a word?!
The elderly pope was walked to the stage and informed of the same rules: "Two minutes to come up with a poem, and it must involve Timbuktu." The clock was started, but after only a short thought the pope stopped it. Everybody in the competition had used all the provided time, and as the pope approached the microphone a sigh went through the audience. Was he withdrawing from the competition? Would it all end in anti-climax?
No, to everybody’s surprise the pope started to recite his poem based on personal spiritual experience:
"Me and Tim to Brisbane went
Met some ladies, cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
So I bucked one, and 'Tim-bucked-two.'"
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Q: What did the janitor yell when he jumped out of the closet?
A: "Supplies!"
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Q: Did you hear abut the hungry clock?
A: It went back four seconds.
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How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Show him a used tampon and ask, "What period is this from?"
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Q: Why do pirates not know the alphabet?
A: They always get stuck at "c."
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Q: What does Mortal Kombat and a church in Helsinki have in common?
A: Finnish Hymn!
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Q: Can a match box?
A: No, but a tin can.
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Q. What's an astronaut's favorite social media website?
A. MySpace
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Q: Why couldn't the Pirate learn the alphabet?
A: Because he was always lost at C.
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Q: Why can't a bicycle stand up on its own?
A: Because it's two tired.
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Just had a dangerous mole removed from the end of my penis. Definitely won't be shagging one of those again.
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Q: Why did the one armed man cross the road?
A: To get to the second hand shop.
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Three old women were sitting on a park bench. A flasher ran up and whipped open his coat. Two of the old ladies had a stroke and the third couldn't reach.
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Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? Yeah, he pasta way.
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Q: What is the dirtiest line said on television?
A: "Ward, I think you were a little hard on the Beaver last night."
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Q: What did Gandhi say to the British, after they asked him to move?
A: Nah, mastay.
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Q: What do you call a famous fish?
A: A star fish.
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If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches?
####### new jokes of world play #######
Q: What do you call two nuts on the wall?
A: Walnuts.
Q: What do you call two nuts on the chest? A: Chestnuts.
Q: What do you call two nuts on your chin?
A: A Blowjob.
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I'm in trouble with my next door neighbors. I went over to their house recently to jump on there tramperleen. I had just got on when I heard a voice say, "Hey you, get off my daughter Erleen!"
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Have you ever tried eating a clock? It's very time consuming.
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Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
A: Its OK. He woke up.
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Q: What did the beaver say to the tree?
A: "It's been nice gnawing you!"
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Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A garbage truck.
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Q: How do you make a witch itch?
A: Take away her "w".
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Q: What's the most expensive Jewish wine?
A: "I wanna go to Florida!"
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Q: What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a 1,000 letters?
A: Post office.
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Q: What city are you in when you drop your waffle on the beach?
A: Sandy Eggo.
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Q: How do you get a blond on the roof?
A: You tell her the food is on the house.
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Q: Why did the girl wear glasses in math class?
A: It improves di-vision.
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Q: Why can't you tell an egg a joke?
A: Because it will crack up.
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A blonde walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "What do you have on tap?" He replies, "Anheuser-Busch" (And-how's-your bush). She says, "Just fine. How's your penis?"
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Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken and a vacuum?
A: A cocksucker.
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Q: Why did the pig leave the costume party?
A: Because everyone thought he was a boar.
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Q: What do you do with a sick boat?
A: Take it to the doc.
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Q: What did one ocean say to another ocean?
A: Nothing. It just waved.
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Q: What's the importance of capitalization?
A: You can either help your Uncle Jack off a horse or help your uncle jack off a horse.
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Q: How can you get four suits for a dollar?
A: Buy a deck of cards.
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A man walks into a bar and sits down. He asks the bartender, "Can I have a cigarette?" The bartender replies, "Sure, the cigarette machine is over there." So he walks over to the machine and as he is about to order a cigarette, the machine suddenly says, "Oi, you bloody idiot." The man says with surprise in his voice, "That's not very nice." He returns to his bar stool without a cigarette and asks the bartender for some peanuts. The bartender passes the man a bowl of peanuts and the man hears one of the peanuts speak, "Ooh, I like your hair." The man says to the bartender, "Hey, what's going on here? Your cigarette machine is insulting me and this peanut is coming on to me. Why's this?" The bartender replies, "Oh, that's because the machine is out of order and the peanuts are complementary."
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Q: Did you hear about the guy who drank 8 Cokes?
A: He burped 7Up.
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Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
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Q: What's the difference between America and yogurt?
A: If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years, it develops a culture.
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Why did the tomato turn red? Because he saw the salad dressing!
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Q: What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A: A thesaurus.
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Q: Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
A: Because then it'd be a foot!
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Q: How do birds fly?
A: They just wing it!
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Little Johnny came home from school and heard the word "b*tch." He asks his mom what the word meant and she responds, "It means priest." The next day little Johnny comes home and hears the word "sh*t" and asks his dad what it means. His dad answers, "It means food on the table." At school, he hears the word "f*cking" and asks his mom what it means. She responds, "It means getting ready." The next day a priest came over for dinner and little Johnny opened the door and says, "Hey son of a b*tch. There's sh*t on the table and my parents are upstairs f*cking!"
######## latest jokes of world play #########
Q. What did the pop star do when he locked himself out?
A. He sang until he found the right key!
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Q: Why did the coach go back to the bank?
A: To get his quarterback!
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Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory today. I hope there's no pop quiz.
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There were two cannibals who captured a man. They decided it would be fair if they started eating from opposite ends. After a few minutes, the one who started at the head asked the other one, "How's it going down there?" And the other one replies, "I'm having a ball!"
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Q: What did the spider do on the computer?
A: Made a website!
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Fe = Iron.
Male = Man.
Fe + Male = Iron Man.
I have been having sex with Iron Man.
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Q: What did one hat say to another?
A: You stay here, I’ll go on a head.
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Q: Wanna hear a joke about construction?
A: Never mind, I'm still working on it.
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Q: Why do blonde girls walk in groups of odd numbers?
A: Because they can't even!
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A little kid was out trick-or-treating on Halloween dressed as a pirate. He rang a house's doorbell and the door was opened by a lady. "Oh, how cute! A little pirate! And where are your buccaneers?" she asked. The boy replied, "Under my buckin' hat."
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Q. Why did the apple run away?
A. Because the banana split!
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Q: Why didn’t the melons get married?
A: Because they cantaloupe.
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A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
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Two old friends crossed paths after not seeing one another for almost a decade.
Utkarsh: "What are you doing these days?"
Sparsh: "PHD."
Utkarsh: "Wow! You're a doctor!"
Sparsh: "No, Pizza Home Delivery."
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Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend off the wall?
So he could see her crack!
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A man who is just married is flying to the Florida Keys for a business trip. His new bride is to accompany him the next day. When he gets there, he e-mails his wife to let her know he made it there safely. When he sends the e-mail, he mistypes the address. In Boston, a grieving widow, whose husband has recently passed away, receives the e-mail. She reads it, screams, and faints. Hearing her grandmother’s cry, the widow's 18 year old granddaughter runs into the living room to see the computer on, with a message that reads, "Dear love, I just got here. Preparing for your arrival tomorrow. Can't wait to see you. Love, Me. P.S. Sure is hot down here."
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Q: What do cars eat on their toast?
A: Traffic jam.
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Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?"
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Q: Why didn't the sailors play cards?
A: Because the captain was on the deck.
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Q: What starts with F and ends with U-C-K?
A: Firetruck.
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The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
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Q: Why did the runner stop listing to music?
A: Because she broke too many records.
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Q: What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?
A: "Better hold onto your nuts because this is no ordinary blowjob."
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Q: Why did the scarecrow get promoted?
A: Because he was outstanding in his field.
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A teacher asked, "Johnny, can you tell me the name of three great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?" Little Johnny responded, "Drin-king, smo-king, and f*c-king."
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Q. What's a shark's favorite sandwich?
A. Peanut butter and jellyfish!
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Q: What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A: A waist of time.
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Q: Why did the painting go to jail?
A: It was framed.
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Q: What do you call a Mexican that lost his car?
A: Carlos.
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Q: Why did the duck go to jail?
A: Because he got caught selling quack.
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Q: How do fish get high?
A: Seaweed.
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Q: What did the banana say to the doctor?
A: "I'm not peeling well."
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Q: What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
A: "Odor in the court!"
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Teacher: "Where was the Constitution of India signed?"
Student: "At the bottom of the page!"
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Q: What is Mozart doing right now?
A: Decomposing.
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Q: What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A: A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
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Q: Why is the barn so noisy?
A: Because the cows have horns.
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Q: If April showers bring may flowers, what do mayflowers bring?
A: Pilgrims!
####### english jokes of world play #########
Brunette: "Where were you born?"
Blonde: "California."
Brunette: "Which part?"
Blonde: "All of me."
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A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders. As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"
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Q: What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
A: An investigator.
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Q: What has more lives than a cat?
A: A frog because it croaks every night.
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A lot of people cry when they cut an onion. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
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Bob goes to see his friend Pete. He finds Pete in his barn dancing naked around his John Deere. "What are you doing!" asks Bob. Pete stops dancing & says, "My wife has been ignoring me lately so I talked to my psychiatrist and he said I needed to do some thing sexy to a tractor." [to attract her]
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Q: What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
A: Decalfeinated.
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Innkeeper: "The room is $15 a night. It's $5 if you make your own bed."
Guest: "I'll make my own bed."
Innkeeper: "Good. I'll get you some nails and wood."
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Q: Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?
A: Because it’s pointless!
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Q: Why is Peter Pan always flying?
A: Because he neverlands.
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Q: What kind of car does Jesus drive?
A: A Christler.
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Q: How come oysters never donate to charity?
A: Because they are shellfish.
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A drunk walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck. The bartender says, "You can stay but don't try to start anything."
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One night a lady came home from her weekly prayer meeting, found she was being robbed, and she shouted out, "Acts 2:38: 'Repent & be baptized & your sins will be forgiven.'" The robber quickly gave up & the lady rang the police. While handcuffing the criminal, a policeman said, "Gee mate, you gave up pretty easily. How come you gave up so quickly?" The robber said, "She said she had an axe and two 38's!"
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Q: What do you call someone without a nose or a body?
A: Nobodynose.
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For a period, Houdini used a trap door in every single show he did…I guess you could say it was a stage he was going through.
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Q: What nails do carpenters hate to hit?
A: Fingernails.
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Q: Why are hairdressers never late for work?
A: Because they know all the short cuts!
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Q: How do you make holy water?
A: Boil the hell out of it.
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A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is. A student puts up his hand and says 'G'. The teacher walks over to him and says, "Why is that, Angus?"
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Q: Why can't orphans play baseball?
A: Because they don't know where home is.
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Q: How do trees access the internet?
A: They log in.
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Q: What happens once in a minute and twice in a moment but never in a decade?
A: The letter "m."
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Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.
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Johnny was at school and the teacher said, "Someone use fascinate in a sentence." Sally answered, "The zoo was fascinating." The teacher said, "Sorry, Sally, I said to use fascinate in a sentence." Maria suggested, "I was fascinated at the zoo." Once again the teacher said, "No, Maria, I specifically said to use fascinate in a sentence." Johnny said, "My sister has ten buttons on her sweater." Again the teacher said, "Sorry, Johnny, I said use fascinate in a sentence." Johnny replied, "I know, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."
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Helium walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here." Helium doesn't react.
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Q: Did your hear about the man with a broken left arm and broken left leg?
A: Don't worry he's "ALRIGHT" now!
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Q. What is the color of the wind?
A. Blew.
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A little girl and her older brother were visiting their grandfather's farm. The older brother decided to play a trick on his younger sister. He told her that he discovered a man-eating chicken. The girl was frightened, and ran inside in fear. Then the older brother heard his little sister scream. He ran inside immediately. She was screaming at their grandfather, who was chowing down on a plate of fried chicken. "What is it?" he asked. The sister turned to him in fear and said," It- it's- IT'S A MAN EATING CHICKEN!!!"
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On the first day of school, the teacher asked a student, "What are your parents' names?" The student replied, "My father's name is Laughing and my mother's name is Smiling." The teacher said, "Are you kidding?" The student said, "No, Kidding is my brother. I am Joking."
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I went to the bank the other day and asked the banker to check my balance, so she pushed me!
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A man was driving and saw a truck stalled on the side of the highway that had ten penguins standing next to it. The man pulled over and asked the truck driver if he needed any help. The truck driver replied, "If you can take these penguins to the zoo while I wait for AAA that will be great!" The man agreed and the penguins hopped into the back of his car. Two hours later, the trucker was back on the road again and decided to check on the penguins. He showed up at the zoo and they weren't there! He headed back into his truck and started driving around the town, looking for any sign of the penguins, the man, or his car. While driving past a movie theater, the truck driver spotted the guy walking out with the ten penguins. The truck driver yelled, "What are you doing? You were supposed to take them to the zoo!" The man replied, "I did and then I had some extra money so I took them to go see a movie."
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Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.
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PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.
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Q: Why shouldn't you make fun of a paleontologist?
A: Because you will get Jurasskicked.
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Q: What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
A: He wiped his bum.
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Q: Why is England the wettest country?
A: Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there.
####### great jokes of world play #######
Q: What type of sandals do frogs wear?
A: Open-toad!
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Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
A: I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
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Q: What did the blanket say when it fell of the bed?
A: "Oh sheet!"
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If the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then lefties are the only ones in their right mind.
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Q: What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant?
A: Swimming trunks.
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Q: What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
A: "You're too young to smoke."
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Q: What is the difference between a teacher and a train?
A: One says, "Spit out your gum," and the other says, "Choo choo choo!"
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Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A: A gummy bear.
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Q: What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
A: You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish.
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Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. One nun suggests to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other and one nun says, "He's blind, so he can't see. What could it hurt?" They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
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Q: What do computers eat for a snack?
A: Microchips!
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Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
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Why is it that your nose runs, but your feet smell?
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THREE TREES AND A WOODPECKER
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into."
Now wipe that smile off your face.
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Q: What is the tallest building in the entire world?
A: The library, because it has so many stories.
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Q: Why did the school kids eat their homework?
A: Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake.
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If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while. They're normally around 90 degrees.
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Three ladies were on a bus stop bench. One of the ladies looks at the other and asks her if she is Native American, She says, "Yes, I'm Arapaho." "Is that so?" says the first, "It just happens that I'm a Navajo." The third lady looks at both of them and says, "I'm a Dallas hoe."
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"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.
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A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!"
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Q: Why did the can crusher quit his job?
A: Because it was soda pressing.
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Q: How do you count cows?
A: With a cowculator.
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Q: What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
A: Juan on Juan.
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Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A: Snowballs.
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Q: Can February march?
A: No, but April may.
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I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger, and then it hit me.
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Q: How do astronomers organize a party?
A: They planet.
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Q: Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?
A: Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
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I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
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Q: Why can't you trust an atom?
A: Because they make up everything.
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A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.
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