National Jokes

Mexico doesn't win Olympic medals because all the best runners, jumpers, and swimmers are in America.

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Q: Why do Chinese people have Chinese babies?
A: Because two Wongs don't make a white.

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Q: What do you call stoned Mexicans?
A: Baked beans.

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Q: How do you stop a Mexican tank?
A: Shoot the people pushing it.

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Q: What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
A: Juan on Juan.

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A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

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Q: What do you call a baptized Mexican?
A: Bean dip.

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A German asks a Mexican if they have any Jews in Mexico. The Mexican says, “Sí, we have orange jews, apple jews, and grape jews!”

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In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth... After that, everything else was made in China.

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Q: What's the difference between England and a teabag?
A: A teabag could stay in the cup for longer.

############# New National Jokes ########################

So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads." "Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men. "And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.

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Q: Why is England the wettest country?
A: Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there.

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A Brazilian, a Frenchman, and a Nigerian were in a plane. The pilot told them that they have to jump out of the plane when they find their country. The Brazilian jumped out when he saw the Christ the Redeemer statue. The Frenchman jumped out when he saw the Eiffel Tower. When it was the Nigerian's turn the pilot asked, "When will you jump?" The Nigerian put his hand outside the plane window. When he brought it back in, his watch was gone. He said, "Ah, we've reached my country."

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Q: Why is North Korea not as fun as South Korea?
A: Because it has no Seoul.

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Q: Do you want to know how I got out of Iraq?

A: I-ran

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Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to hold the light bulb and four to turn the house.

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Why are there no ice cubes in Poland? Because they lost the recipe.

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What's the difference between an Irish wake and an Irish wedding? One less drunk.

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Q: If you go into the toilet American and you come out of the toilet American, what are you while you're on the toilet?
A: European.

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Paddy Englishman, Paddy Scotchman and Paddy Irishman come across a magic slide. The slide operator tells them when they slide down, whatever they shout out for is what they will land in at the bottom. Paddy Englishman goes first and yells "Gold!" and lands in gold. Paddy Scotsman goes next and screams "Silver!" so he lands in silver. Paddy Irishman looks down the slide and, being afraid of heights, closes his eyes and jumps, crying out "OH SH*T!"

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Have you heard the Mexican weather forecast? Chili today and hot tamale.

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Q: Does Britain have a 4th of July?
A: Yes, and a 5th and a 6th too

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I live in Bakersfield, California. At least it's not Barstow, a city that owes its existence to the fact that people traveling to Las Vegas needed a place to stop and take a sh*t. There was a toilet and they built a city around it.

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Two men from Dublin are walking to the annual Dublin Fair, when it starts to rain. "Patrick, put your umbrella up, it's raining." "I can't, Mick, it's got holes in it." "Holes in it? Then why did you bring it with you?" "I didn't think it would rain."

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A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well. One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, "Very quick!" The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions:
LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"
POLE: "An acre and half, and a nice 3 bedroom house."
LAWYER: "No, I mean what is the foundation of the case?"
POLE: "It is made of concrete, bricks & mortar."
LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No, we have a carport and don’t need a grudge."
LAWYER: "I mean, what are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations live in Poland."
LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE: "Yes, we have hi-fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound."
LAWYER: "No, I mean does your wife beat you up?"
POLE: "No, I’m always up before her."
LAWYER: "Why do you want this divorce?"
POLE: "She going to kill me!"
LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"
POLE: "I got proof."
LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"
POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy bottle at drug store and I read label. It say Polish Remover."

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Q: What's the difference between America and yogurt?
A: If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years, it develops a culture.

############## best National Jokes #######################

Two Irishmen friends are drinking together at one of their homes. One friend takes out a bottle of Irish whiskey and asks the other, "Will you pour this bottle out on my grave if I die first?" His friend replies, "Do you mind if I pass it through my kidneys first?"

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A Polish man, a German guy, and an American dude, climb a mountain because they each want to make a wish from the genie on the top. When they make it to the top, they find the lamp and all rub it. The genie appears and says, "For your wish to be granted, you must yell it out while you are jumping off of this mountain." So the German jumps off and yells, "I wish to be a fighter plane!" "So be it," the genie says, and the German becomes a plane. The American jumps off and yells, "I wish to be an eagle!" "So be it," the genie says, and the American becomes an eagle and flies away. The Polish man runs to the edge, accidentally trips on a rock, and yells, "I wish to b- oh S**t!"

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An American, a Vietnamese, a Mexican, a Brazilian, a Canadian, a German, a Turk, and a Russian walk into a fancy restaurant. When they got to the front desk, they were kicked out because they did not have a Thai.

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An Indian cab driver picked up a Japanese man from a hotel. Along the way, they saw a Honda motorcycle overtake the taxicab and the Japanese guy said, "Motorcycle very fast, made in Japan." Then a Toyota car overtook the taxicab and the Japanese guy said, "Car very fast, made in Japan." When they reached the destination the fare was 1500 rupees. The Japanese man thought the ride was would only cost 500 rupees. He asked the driver why the ride was so expensive. The driver said, "Meter very fast, made in India."

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An American tourist walks out of a Mexican train station when he notices he isn't wearing his watch. A Mexican man is resting under a sombrero under a nearby tree. The American approaches the Mexican and asks, "Excuse me, do you know what time is?" The Mexican looks at the donkey, grabs its balls, and replies, "4:30." The American asks, "How do you know that?" The Mexican replies, "Well you get a handful of the donkeys balls and lift them up so you can see that clock across the street."

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Q: Which state has the most questions?
A: Alaska.

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How do Germans tie their shoes? With little knot-sies!

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In class, Jose is asked to use the word "Cherokee" in a sentence. He pauses and says, "I lost my house key and now I have to Cherokee with my sister."

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Q: Why were the Indians here first?
A: They had reservations.

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Why do Italians wear gold chains? So they know where to stop shaving!

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Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
A: I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

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Q: Why do the French eat snails?
A: They don't like fast food.

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Five out of six people agree that Russian Roulette is safe.

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Q: What do you call a Filipino contortionist?
A: A Manila folder.

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Three guys travel to Saudi Arabia and get lost. They walk into a tent that they think was the one they rented, but actually belongs to a prince with 3 hot wives. The prince comes home and thinks his wives are cheating on him. As a punishment, he tells them that their penises will have to be cut off in some way relating to their occupation.
He asks the first guy what his job was.
"I'm an employee at the shooting range," he replies.
"Then we'll shoot your dick off!" the prince says.
"I'm a fireman," the second guy says.
"Then we'll burn your cock off!" says the prince.
The third guy smiles and says, "I'm a lollipop salesman."

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A Jewish businessman in America decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.
The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?"
He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do. Jacob said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."
So they went to see the Rabbi. The Rabbi said, "Funny you should ask.I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do."
The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, "funny you should ask, I too sent my son to Isreal..."

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China, Russia, and Poland venture to space. China says they'll go to Pluto because it's the farthest. Russia says they'll go to Jupiter because it's the biggest. Poland says they'll go to the Sun. Russia and China warn that they'll melt. They reply, "We'll go at night."

############# latest jokes ########################

Does anyone remember the Swatch, a watch made in Switzerland? Thank god Croatia didn't come up with the idea first. Just imagine if someone were to ask you what time is it? "Oh pardon me while I look at my crotch."

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Q: What do you call a Mexican that lost his car?
A: Carlos.

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Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Australia?
A: God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

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Q: If a plane crashed on the Canada/USA border, where would the survivors be buried?
A: You don't bury survivors.

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Q: Why are there no knock knock jokes about America?
A: Because freedom rings!

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