Animals Jokes

Q: What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it? A: Nothing, it just let out a little whine.

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: 'HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.' A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, 'I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.' The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, 'The sign says you have to be good with a computer.' The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, 'I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job.' The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, 'Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual'. The dog looked at the manager calmly and said 'Meow'.

What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter what you call him, he still won't come!

A lady is walking down the street to work and she sees a parrot in a pet store. The parrot says to her, 'Hey lady, you are really ugly.' Well, the lady is furious! And she storms past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot said to her, 'Hey lady, you are really ugly.' Well, she was incredibly ticked now. The next day see saw the same parrot and the parrot said to her, 'Hey lady, you are really ugly.' The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager said, 'That's not good.' and promised he wouldn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, 'Hey lady.' She paused and said, 'Yes?' and the bird said, 'You know.'

A lady approaches her priest and tells him 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.' 'What do they say?' the priest inquired. 'They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'' 'That's terrible!' the priest exclaimed, 'but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship.' 'Thank you!' the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say 'Hi we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?' One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, 'Put the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered!'

Why are dolphins cleverer than humans? Within 3 hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish!

Three women die in a car accident and go to Heaven. Saint Peter meets them at the Gates and welcomes them saying 'you can do as you please in Heaven, just don't step on any ducks.' The women are puzzled but proceed into Heaven. Looking around, they notice there are ducks everywhere. In a matter of minutes, one of the women steps on a duck. Saint Peter walks up to the woman with a hideously ugly man. Saint Peter shackles the man and the woman together and says, 'for stepping on a duck, you have to spend eternity chained to this ugly man.' The other two women are shocked but go about their business until, sure enough, another woman steps on a duck. Immediately Saint Peter comes and shackles her to another ugly man. The last woman tries desperately to not step on a duck. After a few months of not stepping on any ducks, Saint Peter walks up to the woman accompanied by a stunningly handsome man. He shackles the woman to the man and after a while, the woman being thrilled to be chained to such a handsome man, says 'I don't know what I did to deserve this.' The man replies, 'I don't know what you did lady, but I stepped on a duck.'

There where two snakes talking. The 1st one said 'Sidney, are we the type of snakes who wrap ourselves around our prey and squeeze and crush until they're dead? Or are we the type of snake who ambush our prey and bite them and they are poisoned?'. Then the second Snake says 'Why do you ask?' The 1st one replies: 'I just bit my lip!'

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. 'Dear,' she chirped, 'I think it's time to tell him he's adopted.'

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, 'How high do you think they'll go?' The kangaroo said, 'About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!'

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: 'You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.' The guy says OK, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands: 'I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?' The guy replies: 'I did . . . today I'm taking them to the beach!'

Q: Why are frogs so happy? A: They eat whatever bugs them!

Camper: Look at that bunch of cows. Farmer: Not bunch, herd. Camper: Heard what? Farmer: Of cows. Camper: Sure I've heard of cows. Farmer: No, I mean a cowherd. Camper: So what? I have no secrets from cows!

A vampire bat came flapping in from a night of foraging, covered in fresh blood. He parked himself on the cave's roof to get some sleep. Soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to shut up and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. 'OK, follow me.' He flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. 'Do you see that tree over there?' 'YES, YES, YES!!' the bats all screamed in a frenzy. 'Well I didn't!'

If King Kong went to Hong Kong to play ping pong and died. What would they put on his coffin? A lid!

Customer: Do you have and cockroaches? Clerk: Yes we sell them to the fisherman. Customer: I would like 20,000 of them. Clerk: What would you want with 20,000 cockroaches? Customer: I'm moving tomorrow and my lease says I must leave my apartment in the condition in which I found it.

Two campers were hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them. Both campers start running for their lives, when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes. His partner says, 'What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!' His friend replies, 'I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!'

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. 'Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy.' The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying 'Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies.' A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night. The baby stork says, 'Nowhere. Just scaring the hell out of college students!'

The mail carrier had a registered letter that needed a signature for a party on his route. Receiving no response to his knock on the front door, he went around to the back door which he found open, except for the screen door. He knocked. A high pitch voice from inside said, 'Come in.' Upon entering the kitchen, he was confronted by the largest German Shepard he had ever seen. The dog bared his fangs menacingly, forcing the mail man against the wall. The mail man shouted, 'Lady, call off you dog before he eats me alive.' The only response he got was that same high pitch voice coming from the next room saying, 'Come in.' Pressing his body against the wall, he slowly worked his way to the door way leading to the next room. Looking around, he saw the room was empty, except for a parrot in a cage. After the threat from the huge dog, he was becoming quite irate and said to the parrot. 'Darn you, don't you know any words besides 'Come in?' Without a moments hesitation the parrot responded, 'Sic him!!!'

A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the tee he hooked into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the plan and waited for their friend. After a considerable time he appeared disheveled, bloody, and badly beaten up. They all wanted to know what happened. He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded. It was a yellow ball so he knew it was not his. A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball. The helpful male golfer lifted the cow's tail and asked, 'Does this look like yours?' That was the last thing he could remember.

Dog Property Rules 1. If I like it, it's mine. 2. If its in my mouth, it's mine. 3. If I can take it from you, it's mine. 4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine. 5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine. 6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway. 7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine. 8. If I saw it first, it's mine. 9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine. 10. If its broken, it's yours.

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, 'I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!' 'Don't worry.' said the Auctioneer, 'He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?'

Mike and Bill, are hanging out in the lone bar in a one-horse town in northern Idaho, when a local rancher walks in carrying a wolf pelt. 'Good work!' says the bartender. He pops the cash register open, pulls out a wad of bills, and counts them out into the rancher's outstretched hand. After the rancher leaves, Mike asks the bartender, 'What was that all about?' The barkeep says, 'Haven't you boys heard? We got us a real wolf problem in these parts, and the county ain't done a thing about it. Why, just last week, a pack of the damn varmints came onto my property and laid waste t'my chicken coop. Ol' Man Miller down the road even lost four of his cattle to the bloodthirsty beasts! They're vicious, and they got no fear -- and they gotta be stopped. So I'm offerin' a bounty -- a hundred dollars to anybody who brings in a wolf pelt.' Mike and Bill look at each other, and immediately race out of the bar to go hunt wolves. After wandering around the hills for several hours, they finally spot a lone wolf in the distance. Mike takes aim with his rifle and shoots the wolf dead. The two fellas sprint over to where the carcass lay, and Mike gets busy with the pelt. Suddenly, Bill says, 'Hey, Mike, look.' 'Not now,' says Mike, 'I'm busy.' Bill tugs on Mike's sleeve and says, 'Mike, I think you really ought to see this.' 'Not now!' Mike says again. 'Can't you see I've got a hundred dollars in my hands?' Bill's voice starts to waver. 'Mike, please, just look!' Mike stops what he's doing and looks up: The two men are surrounded by a pack of wolves -- at least fifty in all, every one of them growling, drooling, gnashing their teeth, and licking their chops. Mike takes in the sight and gasps: 'Oh, my God... We're gonna be rich!'

Kenny, a city boy, moved to the country and purchased a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the following day. The next morning, the farmer drove up and said, 'Sorry, son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died. 'Well, just return my money to me,' Kenny said. 'Sorry, can't do that,' said the farmer. 'I already spent it.' 'OK then, just unload the donkey,' said Kenny. 'Whatcha gonna do with him?' asked the farmer. 'I'm going to raffle him off,' Kenny replied. 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!' the farmer exclaimed. 'Of course I can,' replied Kenny. 'Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead.' A few weeks later, the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, 'So, what happened with the dead donkey?' 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00,' explained Kenny. 'Didn't anyone complain?' inquired the farmer. 'Just the guy who won. So, I gave him his two dollars back,' Kenny proudly replied.

My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, 'Will !? What will ? I'm making a list of the people I gonna bite.'

Marilyn had a parrot for a pet, but the parrot would embarrass her whenever she came into the apartment with a man. He would shout all kinds of obscenities, always leading off with 'Somebody's gonna get it tonight!' In desperation, Marilyn went to her local pet shop and explained her parrot problem to the pet shop proprietor. 'What you need,' he said, 'is a female parrot too. I don't have one on hand, but I'll order one. Meanwhile, you could borrow this female owl until the female parrot arrives.' Marilyn took the owl home and put it near her parrot. It was immediately obvious that the parrot didn't care for the owl. He glared at it. That night, Marilyn wasn't her usual nervous self as she opened the door to bring her gentlemen friend in for a nightcap. Then suddenly she heard the parrot screech and she knew that things hadn't changed. 'Somebody's gonna get it tonight! Somebody's gonna get it tonight!' the parrot said. The owl said, 'Who? Who?' And the parrot said, 'Not you, you big-eyed Son of a Bitch.'

Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from her purse and threw it to Fido, the family dog. When asked why by her former employer, she answered, 'I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!'

Once upon a time there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time, ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and, hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him. The Moral Of The Story 1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy. 2) Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend. 3) And if you're warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A FSH

Q: Where do dogs go when they lose their tails? A: To the retail store.

A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, 'I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk.' Bartender: 'Yeah! Sure...go ahead.' Man: 'What covers a house?' Dog: 'Roof!' Man: 'How does sandpaper feel?' Dog: 'Rough!' Man: 'Who was the greatest ball player of all time?' Dog: 'Ruth!' Man: 'Pay up. I told you he could talk.' The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, 'or is the greatest player Mantle?'

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!

A duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the new to his friends and invited friends to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog however did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting wet more than his paws. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, 'Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?' 'I sure did,' responded his friend. 'He can't swim.

What did the frog dress up for on Halloween? A prince.

After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment. This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth. The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported 'Goony bird' and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, 'Goony bird! The table!' Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, 'Goony bird! The shelf!' Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds. 'Wow!' said the wife, 'If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!' So she bought the bird and took it home. When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. 'Honey!' she exclaimed, 'I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!' The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, 'Goony Bird, my foot!'

A cat and a rooster sat by a lake, the cat fell in the lake, the rooster laughed! LESSON: When there's a wet pussy, there's a happy cock!

A big bear and little rabbit are taking a dump side by side in the woods. The bear looks down at the rabbit and asks. 'Do you have trouble with poop sticking to your fur?' The rabbit replies 'no'. So the bear wiped his bottom with the rabbit.

Animals Jokes

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe. 'Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?' 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--' 'I didn't ask for any details,' the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?' 'Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--' 'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.' By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so. 'Well,' said the farmer, 'as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'

Two women, who are dog owners, are arguing which dog is smarter. First woman: My dog is so smart. Every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around and then he takes a newspaper and brings it to me. Second woman: I know. First one: How? Second one: My dog told me.

What is a Dog? Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time. They growl when they are not happy. When you want to play, they want to play. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They are great at begging. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies. They leave their toys everywhere. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss. Conclusion: Dogs are men in little fur coats.

Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, 'I'm going to become a lion tamer.' The other replies, 'That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming.' 'Yes I do!' 'Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?' 'Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down.' 'Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?' 'Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down.' 'Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?' 'Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him.' 'Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?' 'Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage.' 'Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?' 'Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that.'

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, 'Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!' The panda yells back at the bartender, 'Hey, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!' The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: 'A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin. The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, 'You skin this one while I go and get another!'

What happened to the frog when he parked illegally He got toad away.

The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with. So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said 'No, I can't live with Papa bear, he beats me terribly.' 'OK,' said the judge, 'then you want to live with your mother, right?' 'No way!' replied baby bear, 'She beats me worse than Papa bear does.' The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do. 'Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?' asked the judge. 'Yes,' answered baby bear, 'my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago.' 'You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?' asked the judge. 'Oh definitely,' said baby bear, 'the Chicago Bears don't beat anybody.'

Q: Why do hummingbirds hum? A: Because they don't know the words.

A man has a racehorse, never won a race. Man in disgust says,' Horse, you win today or you pull a milk wagon tomorrow morning.' The starting gate opens, the horses take-off, they move the gate away and there lays his horse asleep on the ack. He kicks the horse and asks, 'WHY ARE YOU SLEEPING. The horse, half asleep says, 'I have to get up at three in the morning.'

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, 'I hear that the occupants of this county actually eat dogs.' 'Odd,' her companion replies, 'but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.' Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward him. 'Two dogs, please,' says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in oil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers. Staring at it for a moment, she leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, 'What part did you get?'

A man was very proud of his guard dog, he would leave it to roam free in the garden to sow the world his house was guarded. One day a woman knocked at his door. 'Is that your big dog outside?' Wondering how she had got past him he said 'Yes why?' She said I'm sorry but my dog just killed him!' 'What??' Roared the man 'What kind of dog have you got??' 'A Peke' Replied the woman. 'A Peke??? how could that little thing kill my big fine guard dog?' 'I think it got stuck in his throat!' Replied the woman.

What is a dogs favorite flower? Anything in your garden!

What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny.

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register. He asked the store manager, 'Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?' 'Yep, that's him,' he replied. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. 'That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?' 'Because,' the owner replied, 'before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.'

A man went to a pet shop and asked for a bird that could sing. The proprietor brought out a gorgeous tropical bird, looked the bird in the eye, puckered his lips and started to whistle. The bird took up the very note and finished the tune with him. 'That's mighty fine,' the customer said, 'but I'd never pay money for that bird. His right leg's crippled.' 'I thought you wanted me to sing!' cried the bird. 'I gotta dance, too?'

The front door was accidentally left open and our dog was gone. After unsuccessfully whistling and calling, my husband got in the car and went looking for him. He drove around the neighborhood for some time with no luck. Finally he stopped beside a couple out for a walk and asked if they had seen our dog. 'You mean the one following your car?' they asked.

There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions. The police chief asks, 'What were the people doing on the bus?' The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun. The chief asks, 'Yeah, but what else were they doing?'. The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle. The chief says, 'Oh! They were drinking, huh??!' The chief continues, 'Okay, were they doing anything else?' The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking. The chief loses his patience, 'If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?' The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.

A child was continually asking his Mom to buy him a hamster. When she did, the child looked after it for a couple of days, but soon he got bored, and it became the Mom's responsibility to feed it. One day she got upset with the her son's carelessness and asked him, 'How many times do you think this hamster would have died until now, if I wasn't looking after it?' The child replied, 'Um, I don't know. Once?'

Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, 'I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting.' So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, 'Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there.' Earl says, 'You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?' Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, 'I don't believe it where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!' Chester says, 'Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too.' So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth and starts humping Earl's leg. Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, 'This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!' The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg. The breeder says, 'Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!'

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store. He does a double take, as he notices that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable. He walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. The store owner replies, 'I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.' The collector says, 'Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat.' And the owner says 'Sold,' and hands over the cat. The collector continues, 'Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me having to get a dish.' And the owner says, 'Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats.'

What do you call a chicken that crosses the road without looking both ways? Dead.

A burglar has just made it into the house he's intending on ransacking and he's looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, 'I can see you, and so can Jesus!' Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one is there, so he goes back to his business. 'I can see you, and so can Jesus!' The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, 'I can see you, and so can Jesus!' 'So what,' says the burglar, 'you're only a parrot!' To which the parrot replies, 'Maybe, but Jesus is a rottweiler!'

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

A man with a talking parrot is getting married. On the day of the wedding he says to the parrot 'Now look here, I know you are always sat in that window sticking your beak in, when me and my new wife get back from the wedding I want you to turn round and and no matter what you hear I do not want you to turn back or I'll break your neck, do you understand?' The parrot reluctantly agrees. On returning from the wedding the parrot turns round as instructed, and behind him the bride and groom start to pack for the honeymoon. The wife however has packed too much and they can't get the case closed. 'Get on top and sit on it baby!' Says the man the woman does so and grunts and moans but can't shut the case. 'You get on top baby it might be better' Says the wife, so the man grunts and groans and tries his best but still cant shut the case. After a little thought the man says 'Ok we'll both get on top see if that's any better!' The parrot turns round and says 'Neck or no neck I have to see this!'

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell. The other farmer says, 'Yeah, I've this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem.' Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but, farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy and takes the rooster home. He then sets him down in the barnyard and gives the rooster a pep talk, 'Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. 'So, take your time and have some fun,' the farmer ended with a chuckle. Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Randy took off like a shot. WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there. Later, the farmer sees Randy after the flock of geese down by the lake. Once again, WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught -- worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob -- stone cold in the middle of the yard and buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, 'Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself.' Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, 'SHHHH, they're getting closer...'

A jogger running down a country road is startled as a horse yells at him 'Hey-come over hear buddy'. The jogger is stunned but runs over to the fence where the horse is standing and asks 'Were you talking to me'? The horse replies 'Sure was. Man, I've got a problem. I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago and this farmer bought me and now all I do is pull a plow and I'm sick of it. Why don't you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me. I'll make you some money 'cuz I can still run.' The jogger thought to himself, 'boy a talking horse'. Dollar signs started appearing in his head. So he runs to the house and the old farmer is sitting on the porch. The jogger tells the farmer 'Hey man, I'll give you $5,000 for that old broken down nag you've got in the field'. The farmer replies, 'Son you can't believe anything that horse says. He's never even been to Kentucky.'

A guy brings a raccoon home , tells his wife it's a pet. She asks , 'Where are you going to keep it?' He replies , 'In the bedroom.' 'But what about that horrible nasty smell?' , she asks. 'I got used to you, I'm sure he will too!'

How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. 'How about some perfume?' he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.00. 'That's a bit much,' said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. 'That's still quite a bit,' Tim complained. Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. 'What I mean,' said Tim, 'is I'd like to see something really cheap.' The clerk handed him a mirror.

A father and his small son were standing in front of the tiger's cage at the zoo. Father was explaining how ferocious and song tigers are, and junior was taking it all in with a serious expression. Dad,' the boy said finally, 'if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up ...' 'Yes, son?' the father said expectantly. 'What bus should I take home?' the boy finished.

Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy points to it and says, 'Mummy, what is that long thing?' His mother replies, 'That son, is the elephant's trunk.' 'No, at the other end.' 'That son is the tail.' 'No, mummy, the thing under the elephant' After a short embarrassed silenced she replies, 'Thats nothing.' The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer asks his father the same question. 'Daddy, what is that long thing?' 'That's the trunk, son' replies the father. 'No at the other end.' 'Oh, that is the tail.' 'No, no daddy, the thing below,' asks the son in desperation. 'That is the elephants penis. Why do you ask son?' 'Well mummy said it was nothing,' says the boy. Replies the father: 'I tell you, I spoil that woman ...'

Did you find my horse well behaved? Indeed, whenever we came to a fence he let me over first!

One Saturday afternoon the grasshopper, the snail, and the centipede were sitting around the grasshopper's house drinking beer. They ran out of beer before they were ready to quit drinking, so they decided one of them should go out for more. The snail said, 'I'd go, but I'm kinda slow. Besides, grasshopper, this is your neighborhood so you know where to go.' The grasshopper said, 'I don't mind going, but my hopping will shake up the beer and we'll get sprayed every time we open one.' So they decided to send the centipede and the grasshopper explained how to get to the nearest liquor store. An hour or so passed and still the centipede hadn't returned, so the snail and the grasshopper decided to go look for him. They got as far as the the front door and found the centipede sitting there putting on his shoes.

Maggie, a dog who had worked with police investigation team, applied for vacancy in the FBI. He went and met the HR. The HR said, 'You'll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute.' Maggie sat on the typewriter and typed 80 words per minute. Then HR asked 'You must pass a physical test and complete the obstacle course.' Again, Maggie did well in the round. Then HR said, 'There's one last requirement, you must be bilingual.' With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, 'Meow!'

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmation dog. The children started discussing what the dog's duties might be. 'They use him to keep crowds back,' said one youngster. 'No,' said another, 'he's just for good luck.' A third child concluded. 'No silly, they use the dogs to find the fire hydrant!'

A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.

Q: What is the height of ambition? A: An ant climbing an elephant's leg with the intention of rape.

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, ''All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine.'' The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ''It's no good, I'll have to do it,'' and yells, ''ALLLEEE OOOP!'' really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third. The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, ''Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?'' The trainer replies, ''Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!''

What do pigs do on nice afternoons? They go on pignics.

A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre. She has a dog on a leash. He stops her and says, 'I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog really seemed to be enjoying the movie. 'He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don't you find it strange?' 'Yes,' she replied, 'I found it very strange. He hated the book!'

Dad, I spotted a Dalmatian! No need to, it already has its own spots!

What dog would you want on your American football team? A golden receiver!

A: Do you want to hear a dirty joke? B: Ok A: A white horse fell in the mud.

What is a dog's favourite food? Anything that is on your plate!

An old snake goes to see his doctor. He says, 'Doctor, I need something for my eyes. I can't see well these days'. The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks. The snake comes back in 2 weeks, and tells the doctor he's very depressed. The doctor says, 'What's the problem? Didn't the glasses help you?' 'The glasses are fine doc. I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!'

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. 'Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night.' 'Have you tried counting sheep?' 'That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.'

A woman is out looking for a pet, and so she's trying the local pet shops. She walks into a small pet shop and explains her need to the attendant. He thinks for a moment and then says, 'I've got just the thing for you madam. I'll just get him.' With that, he disappears into the back of the shop, and returns a few seconds later with a cute little puppy. 'This dog is a special dog,' he tells her. 'It is able to fly,' he explains, and with that throws the dog into the air. It immediately begins to float gracefully around the shop. 'There is one problem with him, however. Whenever you say 'my', he'll eat whatever you've mentioned. Watch. 'My apple!' The lady watches in astonishment as the dog zooms over to the shop attendant and furiously devours an apple he has produced from his pocket. 'He's cute, and so unusual. I'll take him,' she says, and a few minutes later she is on her way back home with dog to show her husband. 'Darling, look what a clever pet I bought today!' she exclaims when she gets back home. 'He can fly!' The husband peers at the dog, and then remarks, 'Fly eh? Ha! My foot!'

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance. 'That is a very smart dog,' the man commented. 'He's not so smart,' said one of the irked players. 'Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail.'

Q: What do you get when you cross a perm with a rabbit? A: Curly hare.

Q: Did you hear about the new breed in pet shops? A: They crossed a pit bull with a collie; it bites your leg off and goes for help.

How do you know that peanuts are fattening? Have you ever seen a skinny elephant?

Why do mice need oiling? Because they squeak!

Two guys are walking down a road when they come across a deep hole beside it. Being curious, they go over and check it out. When they look down, they are surprised to find they can't see the bottom. So they drop a couple of rocks down the hole and listen... Nothing. One of them says, 'Man, that's a deep hole!' Thinking they might hear something larger hit the bottom, they find a big, old cinder block and pitch it over the side. They pause and listen intently... They hear a sound, but it is coming from behind them! They quickly turn around to see a goat bearing down on them with it head lowered, flying along, its feet barely touching the ground, its moving so fast! The two men dive out of its way just in time and the goat plunges past them, into the seemingly bottomless hole, to its doom. The two look at each other and say, 'Boy that was close! We'd better get away from this thing before we end up with the goat!'. So they continue on their way down the road until they happen across this farmer working near it. The men again put their heads together and figure that the goat belongs to the farmer and the decide to tell him what happened. 'Hey Mr. Farmer. Do you happen to own a goat?', one of the men asked. The farmer replies, 'Yeah, why do you ask?' The men then tell what happened at the hole and how they narrowly avoided death in the hole from the speeding goat. The farmer said, 'Well boys, I don't think that was my goat. You see, my goat is really old and crippled up with arthritis. There is no way he could have been moving that fast. Besides, I have him tied to a big, old cinder block.'

Q: What is an elephant's sex organ? A: His foot... If he steps on you you're FUCKED!

When is it unlucky to see a black cat? When your a mouse!

What do you call bears with no ears? B.

What does a frog say when it washes car windows? Rub it, rub it, rub it.

Why don't elephants like martinis? Have you ever tried to get an olive out of your nose?

One day, three scientists were discussing what would happen if they rammed a cork up an elephant's backside and force fed it for 2 weeks. Because the experiment had never been documented and the idea was hard to comprehend they decided to have a go. A week after the experiment had started they began to realize WHY the idea had never been tried. They were stuck for someone to pull the cork out. One of the scientists came up with the bright idea of training a monkey to do the job, so they spent the next week training it to pull out corks once a buzzer had rung, then push it back in for another go. The big day arrived, they set up all the monitoring equipment and set out to a safe distance. The first scientist went 1 mile away, the second went 2 miles away and the third went 3 miles. When they were all ready the first scientist pushed the button to sound the buzzer. BBBAAANNNGGG!!!!!!! The third scientist (3 miles away) was up to his ankles in shit, the second (2 miles away) was up to his knees and the first (1 mile away) was up to his waist. When the others joined the scientist who was 1 mile away they noticed that he was in fits of laughter. 'What the %$*and is so funny?' asked one of the scientist. 'You should have seen the monkey's face trying to get the cork back in!!!'

Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them!

Why are clouds like jockeys? Because they hold the reins!

What is a Cat? Cats do what they want. They rarely listen to you. They're totally unpredictable. They whine when they are not happy. When you want to play, they want to be alone. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They expect you to cater to their every whim. They're moody. They leave hair everywhere. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg. Conclusion: Cats are tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a polygon? A dead parrot!

What did the magician say when he made his rabbit disappear? Hare today, gone tomorrow.

Where do you find a no-legged dog? Wherever you left him.

What do you call a cow that fell in a hole? A hole-y Cow!

What did the bunny want to do when he grew up? Join the Hare Force.

A blind rabbit and a blind snake meet each other. Neither one remembers what kind of animal they are, so they decide to feel each other. The rabbit says, 'You feel me first.' The snake says okay, and he starts feeling the rabbit. He says, 'Well, you have fur all over, and a little cotton tail, and two long ears, and big back feet...' The rabbit says, 'I know! I'm a rabbit! Yippee!' Then the rabbit feels the snake. He says, 'Okay, you're long and thin, and slimy all over, and there's a little forked tongue...' The snake says, 'Oh no, I'm a lawyer.'

What happened to the cat and frog when they got run over? The cat had nine lives, the frog just croaked.

Imagine that you are in the forest where there is a tiger in front of you right about to eat you. What do you do? ... You stop imagining...

What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow? Cowboom!

What do cows do when they're introduced? They give each other a milk shake!

Q:What do you get when you cross a snake and a kangaroo? A:('A jump rope')'

Advertisement: Dog for sale. Really gentle. Eats anything. Especially fond of children.

Teacher: Name four members of the cat family Pupil: Daddy cat, mummy cat and two kittens!

Bill's all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big black bear. The black bear says, 'You've got two choices. One, I maul you to death or two, we have sex.' He bends over for the bear. He's sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge. Bill heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and kills him. At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. A huge grizzly is standing right behind him. The grizzly says, 'That was a big mistake. You've got two choices, 'Either I maul you to death or we have sex.' Bill bends over. He survives, but he's really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to recover, and, he's outraged! Sure enough, he heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank range. There's a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find an enormous polar bear. The polar bear says, 'You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?'

Why is an elephant braver than a hen? Because the elephant isn't chicken!

One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil, then stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. Now he had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. The livestock dealer said, 'Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' Hey, thanks!' the farmer said, and off he went. While walking he met a fair young lady with rather large beautiful breasts. She told him she was lost, and asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll save half the time to get there'. The fair young lady said, 'How do I know that when we get in to the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull down my skirt and ravish me?' The farmer said, 'I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, 2 chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?' The young lady said, 'Easy silly! Set the goose down, put the bucket over the goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the friggen chickens!'

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? He heard the referee calling fowls

What's as big as an elephant, but doesn't weigh anything? His shadow.

Birdie, birdie in the sky Dropped some white stuff in my eye, I'm a big girl I won't cry, I'm just glad that cows don't fly.

Why did the dog's owner think his dog was a great mathematician? When he asked the dog what six minus six was, the dog said nothing.

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an 'after-hours' appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, 'I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rottweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!' Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts. As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, 'You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!' To which the bird replied, 'Killer, get him!!!'

What do you call a very rude bird? A mockingbird!

Turtle to turtle: 'Don't ya just love the sound of rain on your roof?'

Q: What's green and purple and goes up and down? A: Barney in an elevator.

Two whales were swimming around in the ocean, when a ship appeared. The male suggested to the female that they have some fun and tip the ship over with their blow holes. She was hesitant at first, but finally went along with it. Then, he said, 'Since that was so much fun, let's go back and eat the sailors!' To which, she exclaimed, 'I went along with you on the blow-job! But, no! You're not going to get me to eat seamen, too.'

Cats And Teenagers Teenagers have a lot in common with cats: 1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name. 2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot. 3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents. 4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile. 5. No cat or teenager shares your taste in music. 6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing. 7. Cats are said to have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did, too.

Which big cat should you never play cards with? A cheetah!

Where did the bull carry his stock-market report? In his beef case!

How do we know that insects are so clever? Because they always know when your eating outside!

An elephant was walking in a park. With each step he took, he squished many little ants. Upset, the ants began to crawl up on the elephant -- first his legs and then up all over his body. When the elephant started feeling all the little ants on him, he shook hard, making all the little ants, except for one, fall to the ground. As the only ant on the elephant hung on close to the elephant's neck, the ones on the ground began to yell, 'Strangle him!!! Strangle him!!!'

Q: What side of the dog has the most fur? - A: The Outside.

Why was the centipede late? Because he was playing 'This little Piggy' with his baby brother!

Why were the elephants thrown out of the swimming pool? Because they couldn't hold their trunks up!

Why do cows think cooks are mean? They whip cream!

A drunk is sitting at a bar, and says, 'Bartender! Another drink.' The bartender shakes his head and says, 'No you've had enough.' 'Well,' the drunk says. 'How about if I show you something really cool? Then will you give me a drink?' 'Sure,' the bartender says. 'But it's gotta be pretty cool.' The drunk takes a tiny piano and a frog out of his pockets and sets them on the bar. The frog starts banging away, playing a beautiful song. The bartender gives him a drink. The drunk downs it, and orders another. 'No way,' the bartender says. 'Now you've really had enough.' 'If you give me a drink, I'll show you something even cooler,' says the drunk. The bartender agrees. The drunk pulls out a rat, and sets it next to the piano. The frog starts banging away again, and the rat starts singing to the music. The bartender is amazed, and gives him another drink. A man who had been watching all this comes up to the drunk and says, 'You've got a million dollar act there. I'll give you $500,000 for them right now.' 'Not for sale,' the drunk croaks. 'Ok, $500,000 just for the frog.' 'Not for sale.' 'Ok, $500,000 just for the rat.' The drunk agrees, and the man pays him and leaves. The bartender says to the drunk, 'What did you do that for? You broke up a million dollar act!' 'Not really,' the drunk says. 'You see, the frog's a ventriloquist.'

Why did the fourth monkey fall out of the tree? Because he thought it was a game.

What do toads drink? Croaka-cola!

Q: What's black and dangerous and lives in a tree? A: A gorilla with a machine gun.

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. ''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.'' ''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet.''

What do you say to a hitch-hiking frog? Hop in!

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, 'Whatcha doing, Tim?' 'My goldfish died,' replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. 'And I've just buried him.' The neighbor was concerned. 'That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?' Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, 'That's because he's inside your cat.'

Why are rabbits like calculators? They both multiply a lot.

What's grey, stands in a river when it rains and doesn't get wet? An elephant with an umbrella!

What do you call an elephant with a rabbit up it's sweater? Warren!

Why did the farmer feed money to his cow? He wanted rich milk!

Q: What kind of dog does a dracula like? - A: A Bloodhound.

Q: What's grey and puts out forest fires? A: Smokey the Elephant.

Two pigs robbed a bank. Why were they caught so quickly? They squealed on each other.

Why did the moron give the sleepy cow a hammer? He wanted her to hit the hay!

What did the naughty rabbit leave for Easter? Deviled eggs!

What do you call a pig with three eyes? ...A piiig

What do you call a cow who works for a gardener? A lawn moo-er.

Why is horse racing so romantic? Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye!

What looks like a dog, sounds like a dog, eats like a dog, but isn't a dog? A pup.

You said this horse could jump as high as a ten foot fence and he can't jump at all. Well neither can a fence!

What goes hum-choo, hum choo? A bee with a cold!

Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils? A: They have big fingers.

Which dog is always without a tail? A hot dog.

Andrew was walking on road. He saw two hearse's followed by a man, his dog and a single file line of about 50 men. Puzzled, Andrew asked the guy about two hearses. The man replied, 'That's my wife in the first hearse, my dog bit her and she died'. Andrew said, 'Oh, I'm terribly sorry to hear that, what about the second hearse?' The guy said 'Well that's my mother-in-law, my dog bit her also and she died too.' Andrew thought for a minute and asked, 'Can I borrow your dog?'. The guy with the dog responded, 'Stand in the line behind me!'

Did you hear about the Irishman who couldn't tell the difference between his two horses? His friend suggested measuring them, that didn't help though, the Irishman discovered that the brown horse was only an inch taller than the white one!

Q: Why do cats eat fur balls? - A: Because they love a good gag!

A little koala bear wanders into a whorehouse. He climbs the stairs and finds a door open. He goes in to the room to find a naked prostitute asleep on the bed. He quickly climbs into the bed and begins performing oral sex on the prostitute. She wakes up shocked and sees this koala bear going down on her, and she decides that since it feels so good she'll let him finish. The koala finishes, wipes his chin, climbs off the bed and heads for the door. The prostitute jumps up and yells at him 'Hey, you have to pay for that'. The koala shrugs and continues to head for the door. The prostitute yells at him again, 'Hey you have to pay for that. I'm a prostitute'. She gets up and pulls a dictionary off a shelf and shows the koala the definition. PROSTITUTE (n) a person receiving payment for sexual services. The koala shrugs, takes the dictionary and turns the pages to the definition of koala bear. KOALA (n.) a small bear that eats bushes and leaves.

Used to be a man who owned a bar out in the middle of nowhere. Not too many people came to the bar, so he was trying to think of a good gimmick to get people to come. It so happened he was watching T.V. at the time and the parade for the circus was on. As the elephants went by he remembered reading somewhere that elephants don't laugh. He went down to the circus and inquired about buying an elephant. It just so happened that there was an elderly elephant bull that the circus was planning to retire. After agreeing on a price, the man bought the elephant. Back at the bar the man put a large jar on the bar with a sign reading: 'Make the elephant laugh, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000.' Well, a lot of people thought they could make the elephant laugh, and soon the jar was almost full. Then one night a man walked in and said to the bar owner, 'I hear you will give anyone who can make the elephant laugh $5,000.' 'Yeah, he's out back' After about five minutes tremendous, deep, thundering laughter could be heard coming from behind the bar. Everyone in the bar raced back to see what was going on. When they got there the elephant was LAUGHING!!! The man could not believe his eyes. But, a bet was a bet after all and he paid the stranger who had made the elephant laugh. A few weeks later and the elephant was still laughing. The bar owner could not stand it anymore so he put a sign on the bar reading: 'Make the elephant cry, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000.' Again, a lot of people tried and tried, but they could not get the elephant to stop laughing. Finally the man who had gotten the elephant to laugh in the first place walked in. Upon seeing the sign, he inquired if anybody had had any luck in stopping the elephant from laughing. Seeing as no one had, he once more went back behind the bar to see the elephant. In less than a minute a wail of grief cascaded over the bar. All the patrons ran out to see what was up. The elephant had huge tears running down its cheeks. Once again, a bet was a bet and the bar owner paid the man. Before the man could leave, the bar owner asked how he had gotten the elephant to laugh and then to cry. 'Easy.' said the man, 'When I first went back there I told him my dick was bigger than his. And now I just proved it.'

Two tigers are walking along a jungle trail in single file. The rearmost tiger wanders off the trail for a few minutes, then reappears shortly thereafter. A few moments later, the front tiger feels what seems to be the other tiger's tongue, applied just below his tail. The tiger disapproves of this action, but doesn't want to start anything by bringing it up. Then, the tiger again feels the tongue, again in the same place. He decides to confront the tiger, and asks him, 'Did you just lick me twice in the butt?' The other tiger replied, 'Yeah, sorry about that. I just ate a lawyer and I was trying to get the taste out of my mouth.'

What is a moo hoo for the bucket that goes at the back end of the cow? A tail pail!

What do frogs do with paper? Rip-it!

Why do bees have sticky hair? Beacuse of the honey combs!

When should a mouse carry an umbrella? When it's raining cats and dogs!

A snail starts a slow climb up the trunk of an apple tree. He is watched by a sparrow who can't help laughing and eventually says 'Don't you know there aren't any apples on the tree yet?' 'Yes,' said the snail, 'but there will be by the time I get up there.'

Two guys are on duty at a French Foreign Legion fort. One says to the other one, 'See that camel over there? I'll bet you I can make him jump 30 feet in the air. The other guy says no way. So, the first guy walks around to the back of the camel with two bricks. Reaches in between the camel's legs and crashes the bricks together. Camel jumps 30 feet in the air. A couple of days later the first guy says to the second guy. I bet you I can make that camel nod his head yes. The second guy says, ' You got me last time. But there's no way you can make that dumb animal nod his head yes.' The first guy takes the same two bricks, walks around to the front of the camel, holds up the bricks and says,'Remember me?'. The camel nods.....

What do you call a flying skunk? A smellicopter!

What do you call a litter of young dogs who have come in from the snow? Slush puppies!

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd got ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver 'He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.' A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab -'Sorry I took so long' he says, 'Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!'

Why do dogs run in circles? Because its hard to run in squares!

What do cows read at the breakfast table? The moospaper!

Can bees fly in the rain? Not without their little yellow jackets!

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, 'Got any grapes?' The bartender confused, tells the duck that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns and says, 'Got any grapes?' Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell, 'Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!' The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, 'Got any nails?' Confused, the bartenders says no. 'Good!' says the duck, 'Got any grapes?'

Teacher: 'Name six wild animals' Pupil:'Four elephants and two lions!'

Did you hear about the farmer who lost control of his actor in the cow pasture? No! Did he hurt the cows? No, he just grazed them!

What kind of cars do rabbits drive? Hop rods.

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, ' I once was a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so.' That night, while the princess dined on frog legs,she kept laughing and saying, 'I don't THINK so.'

Would you rather have a 300-pound dog chase you or a tiger? I'd rather have him chase the tiger.

Q: What did the female dinosaur call her blouse making business? A: Try Sara's Tops

What did the horse say to whinnie the pooh while watching his t.v. show? I wish I could hear you whinnie.

Q: What is the pink stuff between elephant's toes? A: Slow clowns.

What does it mean if you find a horse shoe? Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.

What do you get if you y to cross a mouse with a skunk? Dirty looks from the mouse!

Why is a reindeer like a gossip? Because they are both tail bearers!

Q: What do you get when you put a bomb and a dinosaur together? A: Dino-mite.

How do ants hide from aardvarks? They disguise themselves as uncles!

What is horse sense? Stable thinking and the ability to say nay!

Q: Why do seagulls live near the sea? A: Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels.

What kind of bees hum and drop things? A fumble bee!

If you are asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.

What should you know before you teach your dog a new trick? You should know more than your dog.

Will I ever be able to race my horse again the owner asked the vet. The vet replied, 'You certainly will, and you'll probably beat her too!'

One man is walking on the street with two penguins. His friends get very angry when they see him and they tell him to take the poor animals to zoo. The man said them 'That's a great idea' and he left. After 2 hours they saw him again with the two penguins and they are angry. The man said 'Why you angry? We went to the zoo and now we are going to cinema.'

What do you call it when one bull spies on another bull? A steak-out!

I was in the zoo last week. Really? Which cage were you in?

What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers? Fang letters!

How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest in a group? Look for gray hares.

Q: Why was the crow perched on a telephone wire? A: He was going to make a long-distance caw.

Who is the worm's Prime Minister? Maggot Thatcher!

That tornado damage your cow barn any? Dunno. Haven't found the durn thing yet!

Tourist guide at zoo: 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is the elephant, the largest animal to roam the lands. Every day the elephant eats 3 dozen bunches of bananas, 6 tons of hay, and 2000 pounds of assorted fruits. Madam, please don't stand near the elephant's backside.... Madam, PLEASE don't stand near the elephant's backside ... MADAM ... MADAM ..., too late; George, dig her out.'

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'.

Which bird is always out of breath? A puffin!

What kind of bee can't be understood? A mumble bee!

Where do rabbits go after their wedding? On their bunnymoon.

What do you call a cat with eight legs that likes to swim? An octopuss!

If you crossed a cow with a goat, what would you get? Half and half!

Why are glow worms good to carry in your bag? They can lighten your load!

Did you hear about the crab that went to a crustation party? He pulled a mussel and went home.

What do you call an ant in space? Cosmonants and Astronants!

What game do little cows like to play? Moonopoly.

What do you call a cow on the barnyard floor? Ground Beef

Why was the glow worm unhappy? Because her children weren't that bright!

Q: What happened when the elephant sat on the car? A: Everyone knows a Mercedes Bends!

While waiting for a bus, the blind man's dog decided to go to the bathroom all over the blind man's legs. A passerby commented to the blind man, 'What! That dog just went to the bathroom all over your legs, and you are petting him?! Are you crazy?' To which the blind man replied, 'Madam, I am not petting him, I am feeling for his bottom, so I can kick him.'

There were four cats in a boat, one jumped out. How many were left? None. They were all copy cats!

A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head. The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, 'Pardon me. May I help you with something.' The blind man says, 'No thanks. I'm just looking around.'

There was this truck driver who had to deliver 500 penguins to the state zoo. As he was driving his truck through the desert, his truck breaks down. After about 3 hours, he waves another truck down and offers the driver $500 to take these penguins to the state zoo for him. The next day the original truck driver arrives in town and sees the new truck driver crossing the road with 500 penguins walking in single file behind him. The original truck driver jumps out of his truck and asks, 'What's going on? I gave you $500 to take these penguins to the zoo!' The new truck driver responds, 'I did take them to the zoo. And I had enough money left over so now we're going to see a movie.'

What do cows get when they are sick? Hay Fever

Where do milk shakes come from? Nervous cows!

For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers, or are a teenager, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats: - Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name. - No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot. - You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents. - Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile. - No cat or teenager shares you taste in music. - Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing. - Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did. - Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom. - Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture. - Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior. Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

Q: What do you give a seasick elephant? A: Lots of room.

My friend is nuts. He thinks he's Bugs Bunny. But I'm positive he isn't. How do you know he isn't? Because I am.

How do snails get their shells all shiny? They use snail polish.

Why did the cat put the letter 'M' into the fridge? Because it turns 'ice' into 'mice'!

What do you call a 100 year old frog? An old croak!

Q: What is the difference between a rottweiler and a social worker? A: It is easier to get your kids back from a rottweiler!

What goes eek, eek, bang? A mouse in a minefield!

What do you call a frog with no legs? It doesn't matter- he won't come anyway.

Why can't there be a Santa Pig? Pigs don't fit in chimneys.

A: Why are you crying? B: The elephant is dead. A: Was he your pet? B: No, but I'm the one who must dig his grave.

What does a bankrupt frog say? 'Baroke, baroke, baroke.'

What dog is always tired in London? An English sleep dog.

What is the only breed of dog a boxer is afraid of? A Doberman puncher!

Did you hear about the argumentative skunk? He always liked to make a stink!

Why did the hen go halfway across the road and stop? She wanted to lay it on the line.

What happened to the skunk who failed his swimming lesson? He stank to the bottom of the pool!

Q: What do elephants use for tampons? A: Sheep.

What kind of ant is good at maths? An accountant!

What do you call a bunch of chickens playing hide-and-seek? Fowl play!

Policeman: 'One of your elephants has been seen chasing a man on a bicycle.' Zoo Keeper: 'Nonsense, none of my elephants knows how to ride a bicycle!'

Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out forest fires!

I can't decide whether to buy a bicycle or a cow for my farm. Well, wouldn't you look silly riding a cow? I'd look a darn sight sillier ying to milk a bicycle!

Why is a dog like a baseball player? He runs for home when he sees the catcher coming.

Q: Where does a blackbird go for a drink? A: To a crow bar.

Why did the otter cross the road? To get to the otter side.

What did the black cat say to the fish? I've got a bone to pick with you!

Did you hear the joke about the skunk? Never mind, it stinks!

Why did the duck cross the road? Because the chicken retired and moved to Florida.

What dog wears a white coat and does science experiments? Labs!

What goes up slowly and comes down quickly? An elephant in a lift!

Q: Is it good manners to eat fried chicken with your fingers? A: No, you should eat your fingers separately.

Did you hear about the overweight man who took up horse riding as exercise? The horse lost 15 pounds in a week!

What is a bear's favorite drink? Koka-Koala!

Two skunks were being chased by a bear. As the bear got closer, one of the skunks said 'Whatever shall we do?' 'Let us spray!' replied the other.

How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off his tail, he'll be de-lighted!

What happened to the lost cattle? Nobody's herd.

Q: Why did the turtle cross the road? A: To get to the Shell station!

A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. 'What's going on?' she yells out the window. 'Cow on the track!' replies the conductor. Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walk again. She leans out the window and yells, 'What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?'

A family of tortoises went into a cafe for some ice cream. They sat down and were about to start when Father Tortoise said, 'I think it's going to rain. Junior, will you pop home and fetch my umbrella?' So off went junior for Father's umbrella, but three days later he still hadn't returned. 'I think, dear,' said Mother Tortoise to Father Tortoise, 'that we had better eat junior's ice cream before it melts.' And a voice from the door said, 'If you do that I won't go.'

A man moved to a mountain top to get rid of the hustle and be alone. One day he heard a knock at the door and no one was there but then he looked down and there sat a snail and it said 'it is quite cold out here can I come in?' the man shouted 'NO why don't you all understand I want to be alone!' and he kicked the snail down the mountain. One year later there was a knock at the door and no one was there and then he looked down and there again sat a snail and it said, 'What did you do that for?'

What do you call a woodpecker with no beak? A headbanger!

What do you call the story of The Three Little Pigs? A pig tail!

What's the hardest thing about learning to ride a horse? The ground!

How can you tell if an elephant is in your fridge? The door won't shut.

How do you catch King Kong? Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.

What should you do if you find an angry 500-pound dog in your kitchen? Eat out.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice? A: Because it was a double-crosser.

What's green and dangerous? A frog with a hand-grenade.

There was once a puppy called May who loved to pick quarrels with animals who were bigger than she was. One day she argued with a lion. The next day was the first of June. Why? Because that was the end of May!

A drunk rabbit goes through a wood. He bumps into a tree, and says, 'Oh, i'm sorry'. He goes farther, and bumps into another tree, and says, 'I'm sorry... i'm sorry...' Then he sits on the ground and says to himself 'I better sit here a moment and wait till those fools pass by...'

What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet? Wait until he's finished.

What happened to the dog that fell into a lens-grinding machine? He made a spectacle of himself.

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: 'You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.' The frog is thrilled, 'This is great! Will I meet her at a party?' 'No,' says his Advisor, 'in her biology class.'

What are the most athletic rodents? Track and field mice.

What goes 'knio, knio?' A backward pig.

Q. What did the snail say when he hitched a ride on the turtle? A. Wheeeee!!!!!

What do you call a smart insect? A spelling bee.

What is a baby elephant after he is five weeks old? Six weeks old!

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: 'Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?' And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: 'Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?' The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: 'I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit.'

What is Chuck Norris' 'best karate move'? Pork Chop!

As horses say to one another. Any friend of yours is a palomino!

What is an octopus? An eight-sided cat.

What do you call a snake who works for the governement? A civil serpent!

Q: What did the chick say when it saw an orange in the nest? A: Look at the orange mama laid.

What kind of dog is the smartest? A great brain!

Q: Why does everyone love cats? - A: They're purr-fect!

What do cows sing at their friends birthday parties? 'Happy Birthday to MOO, Happy Birthday to Moo

What is a frogs favorite time? Leap Year!

What is the Ape monster's name? Godzilla Gorilla!

Bob and his friend Joe went out hunting. This was Joe's first time ever hunting, so he was following Bob's lead. Bob saw a small herd of deer and told Joe to stay in the exact spot he was and to be quiet! After a few minutes, Bob heard a loud scream. He ran back and asked Joe what had happened. Joe said 'There was this snake and he slithered across my feet, but I never screamed. Then there was this bear that came up to me and snarled, but I never screamed.' 'So then what did make you scream,' Bob asked, exasperated. 'Well,' Joe continued, 'two squirrels crawled up my pants and I overheard them say, 'Should we take them home or eat 'em now?''

What do you call a frog that crosses the road, jumps in a puddle, and crosses the road again? A dirty double-crosser!

An enterprising mayor of the city of Granby, Quebec, a community south of Montreal, established a municipal zoo that has become a significant tourist attraction. It has also given rise to many unusual events. Last September one of the star attractions, Arnold, an Indonesian ape, escaped to the dismay of the zoo director. The matter was a serious one because the members of the staff of the zoo, while expert at caring for animals, had no experience whatsoever in rounding them up or capturing them. The zoo director appealed to the office of the mayor for help and the secretary to the mayor asked, 'Have you looked in the yellow pages'? The director said he hadn't, but would, immediately. To his surprise, under 'animal capturing service' he found a listing for the Acme Ape Apprehenders. He called them immediately. Within 20 minutes, a panel truck arrived at the admin office of the zoo and a small man emerged and rushed to the director who was waiting at the door. 'Is there a wooded area in the vicinity?', the little man asked. The director said there was, within one half mile from the zoo. 'Hop in the truck', the little man said. The director did and they drove off. Minutes later they arrived at a small grove and immediately spotted Arnold on a branch about 25 feet above the ground. The two men got out, went to the back of the truck and the little man opened the door. An excited little dog jumped out and began running around in circles. The little man reached into the truck and took out a suitcase, which he opened. In the suitcase were a pair of handcuffs, which he handed to the zoo director, a sawed off shotgun, which he leaned against the unk of the tree, and a baseball bat. 'Now,' the little man said, 'I'm going up into the tree with the baseball bat, and I'm going to knock the ape out of the tree. The instant the ape hits the ground the dog, well ained, will bite the ape by the crotch and chomp-down with his jaws. The ape will, instantly and instinctively, grab at his crotch with both hands due to the pain, and you snap the handcuffs on and we've got him. The zoo director, pointing to the shotgun leaning against the tree, said 'I'm not too sure about this -- what's the gun for?' The little man said, 'Look, I'm an expert. I know what I'm doing and things will go just fine, after all, I have the baseball bat. I know my job and it'll never happen but if the ape should, by any chance, knock ME out of the tree, SHOOT THE DOG!!!'

What is the difference between an aardvark and a coyote? One has a long smeller, the other, a loud yeller!

A young man's mother was now living in Miami Beach and he didn't see her that often. His father was no longer around and he was worried that his mom was lonely. For her birthday, he purchased a rare parrot, trained to speak seven languages. He had a courier deliver the bird to his dear mother. A few days later, he called. 'Ma, what do you think of the bird?' 'The bird was good, but a little tough. I should have cooked it longer.' 'You ate the bird? Ma, the bird was very expensive. It spoke seven languages!' 'Oh, excuse me. But, if the bird was so smart, why didn't it say something when I put it in the oven?'

Why did the gum cross the road? Because it was under the elephants foot.

Guest: 'Why does your dog sit there and watch me eat?' Hotel Host: 'I can't imagine, unless it's because you have the plate he usually eats from.'

When is an aardvark jumpy? When he's got ants in his pants!

Doctor, doctor, I've got a little sty. Then you'd better buy a little pig.

Q: What's got four legs and no ears? A: Mike Tyson's dog.

Q: Why is a dog's nose in the middle of it's face? - A: Because it's the scenter.

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, 'Hey lady, you are really ugly.' Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, 'Hey lady, you are really ugly.' She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, 'Hey lady, you are really ugly.' The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, 'That's not good,' and promised he wouldn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, 'Hey lady.' She paused and said, 'Yes?' The bird said, 'You know.'

What do you call a sleeping bull? A bull-dozer.

Two mosquitoes were buzzing round when they saw a drunken man. One said to the other, 'You bite him? I'm driving.'

What's a frog's favorite drink? Croaka-cola.

What happens when you throw one banana to two hungry Apes? A banana split!

If you crossed two cows with a flock of ducks, what would you get? Milk and quackers!

What do you call an aardvark in a frying pan? A lardvark!

What is the dogs favourite city? New Yorkie!

Boy: What's the biggest ant in the world? Girl: My Aunt Boy: No, it's an elephant. Girl: You obviously haven't met my Aunt

What do you get if King Kong sits on your best friend? A flat mate.

If a hungry shark is after you, what should you feed it? Jawbreakers!

What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A Hot Cross bunny.

Q: What did the female elephant say during sex? A: 'Can I be on top this time?'

What did the pig say when the wolf grabbed her tail? 'That's the end of me!'

What is the strongest bird? A crane!

What do you call a boring dog? A dull-mation!

Who is the bees favourite pop group? The bee gees!

What do you get from pampered cows? Spoiled milk!

What do you get if you add milk to a frog? Frog nog!

How many ants are needed to fill an apartment? Ten ants!

What do cows do for entertainment? They go to the mooooovies.

What do you call an ant who likes to be alone? An independant!

Q: When is a bad time to cross a black cat? A: When you are a mouse!

Q.Why is a dog scared of a fire? A.It doesn't want to become a hot dog.

What are four hundred rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare line.

Two donkeys were talking about their owners. The first one said, 'My owner is so harassing, he beats me often.' Second donkey: Why do not you leave your owner? First donkey: 'I was thinking about the same. But, he has a very good looking daughter. And, whenever she does some mischievous acts, he says that he will get her married to some donkey and I am just waiting for that to happen.'

How to fleas travel? Itch hiking!

Where do hamsters come from? Hamsterdam!

What looks like half a cat? The other half!

What happens if you drink frog nog? You Croak!

How does a leopard change its spots? When it gets tired of one spot it just moves to another!

What goes zzub, zzub? A bee flying backwards!

What dog rides a horse named Macaroni? Yankee poodle!

Where would you put an injured insect? In an antbulance!

Why did the toad become a lighthouse keeper? He had his own frog-horn.

What place of business helps dogs who have lost their tails? A retail store.

Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges? He's the Easter Bungee!

What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

Why did some snakes disobey Noah when he said 'Go forth and multiply'? They couldn't, they were adders!

Rabbit: Are you sure this bottle of special carrot juice will cure me? Doctor: Absolutely. No rabbit ever came back for another.

Did you hear about the boy who was told to do 100 lines? He drew 100 cats on the paper. He thought the teacher had said lions.

Three mice are being chased by a cat. The mice were cornered when one of the mice turned around and barked, 'Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!' The surprised cat ran away scared. Later when the mice told their mother what happened, she smiled and said, 'You see, it pays to be bilingual!'

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. 'I can hardly believe my eyes!' he exclaimed. 'That's the smartest dog I've ever seen.' 'Nah, he's not so smart,' the friend replied. 'I've beaten him three games out of five.'

Nine Things Dogs Don't Understand 1. It's not a laugh to practice barking at 3a.m. 2. It's wrong to back Grandma into a corner and guard her. 3. He shouldn't jump on your bed when he's sopping wet. 4. The cats have every right to be in the living room. 5. Barking at guests 10 minutes after they arrive is stupid 6. Getting up does NOT mean we are going for a walk 7. Just because I'm eating, doesn't mean you can. 8. If you look at me with those big soppy eyes, I'm not going to give in and feed you. NOT NOT NOT. Oh, ok, just this once. 9. No, it's my food....Oh alright then, just a small piece.

What's a rabbits' favorite dance? The bunny hop.

What is smaller than an ant's dinner? An ant's mouth!

What's long, green and goes hith? A snake with a lisp!

Which song title makes an Ape heartsick? Gorilla My Dreams!

What happened when the owl lost his voice? He didn't give a hoot!

What do you call a bull that's sent overseas by boat? Shipped beef!

What did the frog order at McDonald's? French flies and a diet Croak

How did Gertie Gorilla win the beauty contest? She was the beast of the show!

What happened to the man who turned into an insect? He just beetled off!

Who won the animal race? The giraffe and the aardvark were running neck and neck, but the aardvark won by a nose!

Rabbit: I got kicked out of my cage for not paying the rent. My wife walked out and took our twenty-nine bunnies with her. I'm all out of carrots. What should I do? Friend: Don't worry; be hoppy!

MOTHER PIG: What did you learn in school today? FIRST PIGLET: Oink! Oink! SECOND PIGLET: Oink! Oink! THIRD PIGLET: Woof! Woof! MOTHER PIG: What? THIRD PIGLET: I'm taking a foreign language.

What do stylish frogs wear? Jumpsuits!

Why was the calf afraid? He was a cow-herd!

What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.

Why don't chickens like people? They beat eggs!

What do polar bears have for lunch? Ice burger!

What do you call a pig who overacts? A ham ham.

Why are spiders good swimmers? They have webbed feet!

What do you call an operation on a rabbit? A hare-cut.

Where do birds invest their money? In the stork market!

What do snakes have on their bath towels? Hiss and Hers!

Q: What does a bankrupt frog say? A: 'Baroke, baroke, baroke.'

If a cat won an Oscar, what would he get? An a-cat-emy award.

Why does an elephant wear sneakers? So that he can sneak up on mice!

What happens when you mix a frog with a bathtub scrubby-mit? A rubbit!

Why do skunks argue when crossing the road? Cause they like to raise a stink.

Q: What do you call it when a cat stops? - A: A paws!

Why does a flamingo lift up one leg? Because if he lifted up both legs it would fall over!

Q: How do you know if there are 2 elephants in your fridge? A: Two sets of footprints in the butter.

Did you hear about the new shark food restaurant called Jaws? It costs an arm and a leg to eat there!

What is the best kind of dog to direct traffic at a busy intersection? A pointer!

Two cows are standing in a field. One says to the other 'Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?' The other one says 'No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!'

What do cows like to listen to? Moo-sic!

What has 50 legs but cant walk? Half a centipede!

How do you take a pig to hospital? By hambulance!

Which dog looks like a cat? A police dog in disguise.

What South American dance do cows like to do? The Rump-a

How do you fit more pigs on your farm? Build a sty-scraper!

Why do cows like being told jokes? Because they like being amoosed!

How did the obscene telephone caller get attacked by the Gorilla? He made a mistake and dialed a preyer!

Is chicken soup good for your health? Not if you're the chicken!

How are tigers like sergeants in the army? They both wear stripes!

What should you do if you see a vicious dog? Hope he doesn't see you.

Q. Did you hear the Energizer Bunny Was Arrested? R. Charged With Battery!

Why does a chicken coop have two doors? Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!

Teacher:'To which family does the elephant belong?' Pupil:'I don't know, nobody I know owns one!'

The Louisiana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in St. Tammany, Jefferson and Orleans Parish. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as 'little bells' on their clothing to alert, but not startle the alligators, unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of 'pepper spray' in case of an encounter with an alligator. It's also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity and be able to recognize the difference between young alligator and adult alligator droppings. Young alligator droppings are small, contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers. Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper.

What is the bees favorite film? The Sting!

What do you call explosive cow vomit? A cud missle!

What's green with red spots? A frog with the chicken pox!

Why don't anteaters get sick? Because they're full of anty-bodies!

Why didn't the chicken skeleton cross the road? Because he didn't have enough guts

Q: What do you get when two giraffes collide? A: A giraffic jam.

Animals Jokes

What kind of wig can hear? An earwig!

Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red on the outside? A: An inside out elephant.

A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida. 'Is it true,' he asked, 'that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?' 'That depends,' replied the guide, 'on how fast you carry the flashlight.'

The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: 'I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience.' He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: 'I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience.' Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. 'Everyone knows no full-stocked zoo should be without a mongoose,' he typed. 'Please send us two of them.'

How can you make a moth ball? Hit it with a fly swatter.

Why did the mosquito go to the dentist? To improve his bite!

Q: How did the frog cross the road when a truck was coming? A: SPLAT!!! He didn't.

What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? Mice cubes!

What is small, furry and brilliant at sword fights? A mouseketeer!

How does a mama pig put her piglets to sleep? She reads them pig tales.

How can you mend King Kong's arm if he's twisted it? With a monkey wrench.

Q: The lion gathered all the animals for a meeting, all of them showed up except the elephants. Why? A: They were stuck in the VW bug.

A man on a business trip in Mexico decides to take in a bull fight. After the event, he stops in to the little dive next to the venue called 'The Matador'. As he checks out the menu trying to decide what he wants he sees a waiter bring a dish to another customer. The dish is spaghetti with these two huge meat balls. When the waiter comes to his table, he inquires. 'That is the Matador Special' replies the waiter. 'Spaghetti and Bull testicles. We get them after the bull fight. It is exquisite!' 'That's what I'll have!', says the businessman. 'I'm very sorry senor, but that dish is only available once per day'. Disappointed, the man orders another dish and plans to try again the next day. So again, the next day he goes to the bull fights, and afterwards stops into the dive. Just as the waiter is coming to his table, he sees another waiter bringing the 'Matador Special' to another customer who was there before him. 'Damn!' he says to himself. 'And tomorrow's my last day here.' So the next day, he skips the bull fight, and stands in line at the cafe. He is the first one seated, and proudly proclaims, 'I'll have the Matador Special!' 'Very well, senor!' responds the waiter. Soon afterwards, the waiter brings out his dish, but the meat balls are disappointingly small. Very small, as a matter of fact. 'What's with this!' the now angry man shouts. 'I'm very sorry, senor' said the waiter, 'but the bull does not always lose!'

What disease do horses fear most? Hay Fever!

Q: What's the biggest drawback of the jungle? A: An elephant's foreskin.

A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead. Not happy with the vet's diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion. The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog. The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head. 'There' says the vet,' Your hamster is dead'. Still not happy the man asks for a third opinion. The vet opens the back door and in bounds a cat. The cat jumps onto the table and looks the hamster up and down for a few minutes before looking up and shaking it's head. 'It's definitely dead sir', says the vet. Convinced, the man enquires how much he owes. 'That will be 1000, please'. 'A 1000 just to tell me my hamster is dead' fumes the man. 'Well', says the vet, 'There's my diagnosis, the lab report and the cat scan'.

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, 'Sir, what is that on your shoulder?' The old farmer said, 'That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes.' 'I'm sorry, Sir,' said the ticket girl, 'We can't allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken.' The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer un-zipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie. 'Marge,' whispered Mildred. 'What?' said Marge. 'I think the guy next to me is a pervert.' 'What makes you think so?' asked Marge. 'He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out,' whispered Mildred. 'Well, don't worry about it,' said Marge, 'At our age it isn't anything we haven't seen before.' 'Yes,' said Mildred, 'But this one's eating my popcorn!'

How do you make a moth bawl? Hit him with a fly swatter.

When should you stop for a glow worm? When he has a red light!

Q: Why did the gorilla fall out of the tree? A: Because it was dead.

It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained possession. The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' goal when the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly. The referee stopped the game. 'What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?' The elephant replied, 'Well, I didn't mean to kill him -- I was just trying to trip him up.'

What is a dog's favourite sport? Formula 1 drooling!

What do you call pigs in a demolition derby? Crashing boars.

What did the angry man sing when he found his slippers chewed up by the new puppy? 'I must throw that doggie out the window!'!

What's a snakes favourite TV program? Monty Python!

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

First Kangaroo: What do you call it when giraffes moving one way get mixed up with giraffes moving another way? Second Kangaroo: A giraffic jam.

What do little piglets do on a Saturday night? Have a pigjama party!

Why is a bunny the luckiest animal in the world? It has 4 rabbits' feet.

What is the strongest animal? A racehorse, because it can take hundreds of people for a ride at once!

Why did the dog say he was an actor? His leg was in a cast.

How do you make a Duck into a popstar? Put it into the microwave until it's Bill Withers.

What kind of doctor does a duck visit? A Ducktor.

What duo were famous for stealing horses? Bonnie and Clydesdale!

Which author do the Gorillas love most? John Steinbeck - who wrote 'The Apes of Wrath!'

Why do elephants wear pink tennis shoes? Because white tennis shoes get dirty too easy.

What did King Kong say when he saw the Statue of Liberty? 'Are you my mother?'

How can you make a basset hound fast? Take away its food!

Why didn't King Kong go to Hong Kong? He didn't like Chinese food.

Where did the newlywed horses stay? In the bridle suite!

Why is a crazy marmalade cat like a biscuit? They are both ginger nuts!

What happened when King Kong swallowed Big Ben? He found time-consuming.

Q: Why are elephants feet shaped that way? A: To fit on lily pads.

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill? A: 'Look, there's 1,000 elephants coming over the hill.'

How do cats eat spaghetti? The same as everyone else - they put it in their mouths!

What has six legs, two arms, four eyes and a tail? A man holding an aardvark.

What instrument do piggys play in a band? Pigcussion!

What did the bunny say when he only had thistles to eat? Thistle have to do!

First Caribou: Which bug does amazing motor cycle stunts? Second Caribou: Evel Boll Weevil.

Every time I tell my English Setter to stop barking, it never does! What does it do? It just stands on its back two legs and quotes Shakespeare! What? Yeah, it says, 'To bark or not to bark that is the question!' and keeps on barking!

What do you call a cat that has just eaten a whole duck? A duck filled fatty puss!

What's a moo hoo for a stuffed steer? A full bull!

FARMER: Who raided my vegetable patch? PIGLET: Beets me!

Q: Why did the chicken say, 'Meow, oink, bow-wow, and moo?' A: He was studying foreign languages.

What flies around your light at night and can bite off your head? A tiger moth!

Why are Chihuahuas such good bedtime storytellers? They have short tales!

How did the dog's owner know his pet was angry about having soap flakes for breakfast? He foamed at the mouth.

When should you feel sorry for a skunk? When its spray pump is out of order!

What goes 'peck, bang, peck, bang, peck, bang'? A bunch of chickens in a field full of balloons!

A man is walking down the street when he hears a voice, 'Pssst you come over here!' He looks round and can see no one but an old mangy greyhound. 'yes over here!' Said the greyhound 'Look at me I'm tied up here, I should be racing I won 14 races in my carrer you know?' The man thought to himself 'Oh my god a talking dog, I have to have it, it will make me rich, tv appearances cabaret bookings' So he goes in search of the owner. He found the owner and said 'I'd like to buy your dog, is he for sale??' The owner says 'No mate you don't want that old moth eaten thing!' 'But I do!' Insisted the man 'I'lll give you 1000 pounds for him. 'Ok said the owner but I think your making a big mistake!' Handing over the money the man said 'Why do you think that?' The man replied 'Because that dogs a bloody liar it's never won a race in it's life!'

Pa's being chased by a bull! Well, what in tarnation do you want me to do about it? Get me some film for my camera!

There was a really cute princess walking through the woods, and she heard a voice calling, 'Hey Really Cute Princess!' She looked around and didn't see anyone but a frog. She started to walk on but the frog called again. 'Hey Really Cute Princess, if you take me home and let me sleep on your pillow, I will turn back into a Handsome Prince!' It had been a very boring day so she decided to give it a try even though she really didn't believe the frog. The Really Cute Princess took the frog home with her and let him sleep on her pillow. When she got up the next day what do you think she found? There on her pillow sat a really Handsome Prince. Do you believe the story? Well neither did her mother!

Which dog can tell time? A watchdog.

What is cleverer than a talking cat? A spelling bee!

Q: How do you get a dog to stop barking in the back seat of a car? - A: Put him in the front seat.

What do you call a cow that plays the guitar? A Moosician!

How did the dead monkey cross the road? He was stapled to the chicken.

Teacher: 'Where would you find an elephant?' Pupil:'You don't have to find them, they're too big to lose!'

What would you get if you crossed a chicken with a dog? A hen that lays pooched eggs.

Q: Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools? A: Because they might let down their trunks.

Q: What's every cat's favorite song? - A: Three Blind Mice!

What birds spend all their time on their knees? Birds of prey!

A Chinese man walks into a shop with a parrot on his shoulder, and the shopkeeper says, 'Blimey, where did you get that?'. And the parrot says, 'China, there's loads of 'em there.'

A man walks outside to his car for work, when he notices a gorilla in his tree. He rushs to his phone book and finds the animal control number, calls and asks them to send over someone who's a gorilla expert. When the man arrives, he is carrying a shotgun, a chihuahua and a pair of handcuffs. The man says,''What are all of those for?'' The animal control officer says, ''I'll climb up in the tree, knock the gorilla down, the dog will bite him in the nuts and you must slap the handcuffs on his wrists.'' The man asks,''What is the gun for?'' The animal control officer responds, ''If I fall first, you shoot the dog!'''

What do you call a girl with a frog in her hair? Lily!

What is the most faithful insect? A flea, once they find someone they like they stick to them!

A timid little man, walked into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, 'Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?' A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, 'It's my dog. Why?' 'Well,' squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, 'I believe my dog just killed it, sir.' 'What?' roared the big man in disbelief. 'What in the hell kind of dog do you have?' 'Sir,' answered the little man, 'it's a little four week old female puppy.' 'Bull!' roared the biker, 'how could your puppy kill my Doberman?' 'It appears that your dog choked on her, sir.'

How can you tell which end of a worm is which? Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs!

Which hand would you use to pick up a dangerous snake? Someone else's!

What did the frog do after it heard a funny joke? It started to croak up!

What do you call a nutty dog in Ausalia? A dingo-ling!

Two goldfish in a bowl talking: Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God? Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water?

What kind of materials do dinosaurs use for the floor of their homes? A: Rep Tiles

Why don't lobsters share? They're shellfish.

What do you call a cow with no front legs? Lean Beef

What's brown and white and flies all over? Thanksgiving turkey, when you carve it with a chain saw!

Three racehorses standing around started arguing. The first said, 'I've won 15 out of 20 of my races!' The second said, 'Yeah, well I've won 29 out of 30 of my races!' The third said, 'Yeah, well I've won 39 out of 40 of my races!' Then, a greyhound came up and said, 'Oh yeah! Well, I've won 99 out of 100 of my races!' The horses glared in amazement. 'Wow! A talking greyhound!'

Why did the Gorilla fail English? He had little Ape-titude!

Q: Diner: Do you serve chicken here? A: Waiter: Sit down, sir. We serve anyone.

How do you get an elephant into a matchbox? Take all the matches out first!

Why can elephants swim - and aardvarks can't? Aardvarks don't have trunks!

What do you call a rabbit who is real cool? A hip hopper.

Q: Why did the rooster cross the road? A: To get to the chick across the street!

Bill:'My homework is really difficult tonight, I've to write an essay on an elephant.'? Bert:'Well, for a start your going to need a big ladder..'

On what should you mount a statue of your cat? A caterpillar!

What insect runs away from everything? A flee!

A man took his dog to the vets and asked the vet to completely remove the dogs tail. The vet confused said 'Why do you want me to do that? the dogs tail is perfectly healthy.' The man replied 'Well the wifes mother comes this weekend and I want to make sure there are no signs of any welcome!!'

What goes oo ooo oooo? A cow with no lips.

Why don't cows ever have any money? Because the farmers milk them dry!

What bee is good for your health? Vitamin bee!

Q: What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs? A: An elephant with diarrhea.

How do you make a milkshake? Give a cow a pogo stick.

One afternoon, there was this good witch who was flying along, when all of a sudden, she heard this soft crying from down below. When she landed she saw this yellow frog. Touched by his sadness, the witch asked why he was crying. 'Sniff. None of the other frogs will let me join in all their frog games. Boo hoo.' 'Don't cry, little one.', replied the witch, and with a wave of her magic wand, the frog turned green. All happy now, the frog was checking himself over when he noticed that his penis was still yellow. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but if he saw the wizard, he'd fix things up for him. So happily, the little green frog hippity-hopped along his merry way. Feeling quite happy about herself, the witch once more took to the skies and once again, she heard some crying, but this time of a thunderous sort. So down to the ground she flew only to discover a pink elephant. The witch asked him why he was crying. 'Sniff. None of the other elephants will let me join in all their elephant games. Boo hoo.' Now if you have ever seen an elephant cry, you know it to be a pathetic looking sight, but a PINK elephant crying is just downright heart-breaking, and that is just how the witch felt. So once again, she waved her magic wand, and *POOF*, the elephant was all grey. All happy now, the elephant was checking himself all over when he noticed that his penis was still pink. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but if he saw the wizard, he would fix things up for him. At this point, the elephant just started wailing. 'I don't know where the wizard is', he sobbed. 'Oh that's easy. Just follow the yellow pricked toad', said the good witch.

Q: Why did the elephant cross the road? A: Chicken's day off.

Why do the elephants have short tails? Because they can't remember long stories!

What do you call a smart ant? Elegant!

What do you get when you cross a sled dog with an elephant? A tusky!

Squirrels had overrun three churches in town. After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God's will they reasoned. Soon, the squirrels multiplied. The elders of the second church, deciding that they could not harm any of God's creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back. It was only the third church that succeeded in keeping the pests away. The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Why did the lizard go on a diet? It weighed too much for its scales!

What is a pigs favourite ballet? Swine Lake!

Why are frogs such liars? Because they are amFIBians

What do you call a crate of ducks? A box of quackers!

What lives in the ocean, is grouchy and hates neighbours? A hermit crab!

How do you know if you have a tough mosquito? You slap him and he slaps you back!

What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk? An udder failure!

What kind of tiles can't you stick on walls? Reptiles!

What did the parrot say when he was using the Internet? P.Cs of eight, P.Cs of eight.

What did the cat say when he lost all his money? I'm paw!

What should a rabbit use to keep his fur neat? A harebrush.

What did the earwig say as it fell down the stairs? Ear we go!

Why do elephants eat raw food? Because they don't know how to cook!

Animals Jokes

Q: What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road? A: He stamped it to death and then said 'Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!'.

What was the farmer doing on the other side of the road? Catching all the chickens who crossed the road.

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a couple are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a loose-fitting, spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing jeans and a T-shirt. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes mad. He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand, he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny, and suggests that his wife teases the poor creature some more. He gets her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at the ape, and play along. She does, and the Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and the Gorilla is about to tear the bars down. 'Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him,' he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and he starts doing flips. With that, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. 'Now, tell HIM you have a headache.'

What is the definition of Robin? A bird who steals!

Q: What do you say to a dog before he eats? - A: Bone appetite!

What did the scornful owl say? Twit twoo.

How did the dog make anti-freeze? He stole her blanket.

What does a Chihuahua play basketball with? A tennis ball!

Look at that speed! said one hawk to another as the jet fighter plane hurtled over their heads. 'Hmph!' snorted the other. 'You would fly fast too if your tail was on fire!'

Why did the ant-elope? Nobody gnu!

A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. 'Mother Mole!' He called back down the hole. 'Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!' The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. 'That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!' The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. 'I can't smell anything down here but molasses....'

How do you lead a horse to water? With lots of carrots.

What happened to the tiger who took a bath three times a day? After a week he was spotless!

What is a horse's favorite sport? Stable tennis!

What does a cat call a bowl of mice? A purrfect meal!

What kind of dog sniffs out new flowers? A bud hound!

What does a bunny use when it goes fishing? A harenet.

Ten signs that you're at a bad zoo 1. When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are mocking you. 2. The bears exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the football team during training camp. 3. The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat. 4. The zookeeper always wants to take the rhino for a walk. 5. The lion in the lion cage closely resembles the one from The Lion King. 6. The alligator in the reptiles exhibit is nothing more than the University of Florida's Mascot. 7. If you deposit 50 cents, the giraffe will magically appear and talk to you. 8. Ask the tour guide too many questions and you're suddenly dipped in some sort of sauce and placed in the tigers den. 9. The elephant appears to be two guys in a two part elephant suit. 10. Two words: Hippo Dogs!

Where does a woodsman keep his pigs? In his hog cabin!

What did one mosquito say to another when they came out of the cinema? Fancy a bite?

What did one slug say to another who had hit him and rushed off? I'll get you next slime!

Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug!

Two sheep in a field, one says, 'Baaaaaaaa!' The other says, 'Damn! I was just going to say that!'

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969.' The other points his thumb behind him and says, 'Dog crap, 20 feet back.'

What do you call a pig with no clothes on? Seaky bacon!

Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said. 'I'll be ready in a few minutes,' she said. 'Why don't you play with Rollo while you're waiting? He does wonderful icks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up, and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through.' The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the balcony railing. Just then Paul's date walked out. 'Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?' 'To tell the the uth,' he replied, 'he seemed a little depressed to me.'

Why did the lion lose at Poker? Because he was playing with a cheetah.

What kind of sharks make good carpenters? Hammerheads!

Why did the whale cross the road? To get to the other tide!

One day the zookeeper noticed that the orang-utang was reading two books -- the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. In surprise he asked the ape, 'Why are you reading both those books'? 'Well,' said the orang-utang, 'I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother.'

What is the biggest ant in the world? An elephant!

Why did the poor dog chase his own tail? He was trying to make both ends meet!

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a python. Oh you can't get round me like that, you know.

How does a frog feel when he has a broken leg? Unhoppy.

Why did the skunk buy four boxes of tissues? Because he had a stinking cold!

How do you raise a baby elephant? With a fork lift truck!

What is a chameleon's motto? A change is as good as a rest!

There are bats hanging of a branch upside down, all except one. Two bats comment: 'What's happened to this one? - I don't know, two minutes ago he seemed normal and then he fainted.

A frog came into a bank to obtain a loan. He spoke to the loan officer Mr. Paddywack. When Mr. Paddywack asked the frog what he had for loan collateral, the frog held out his hand. 'What's that?' asked Mr. Paddywack, but the frog could not talk. So, Mr. Paddywack took the frog in to see the manager and explained the situation. The manager then asked the frog what collateral he had for the loan and the frog held out his hand. 'Oh,' said the manager, 'that's a knickknack Paddywack, give the frog a loan.'

What is a parrot's favorite game? Hide and Speak!

What do you call the place where parrots make films? Pollywood!

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, 'Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?' The mother replies, 'Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand'. 'OK' said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, 'Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?' 'They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert', 'Thanks Mom' replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, 'Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??' The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, 'They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods.' 'That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water. But Mom', 'Yes son?' 'Why the heck are we in the San Diego Zoo?'

Where do ants go for their holidays? Frants!

Where does a cow stop to drink? The milky way!

First Caribou: What kind of math do owls like? Second Caribou: Owlgebra.

Why do dogs turn around three times before lying down? One good turn deserves another.

What is a horses favorite kind of party? A stall ball.

How do you start a teddy bear race? Ready, teddy, go!

Why are cpws made for dancing? They're all born hoofers!

How did the rabbit become a wrestling champion? It had a lot of hare pins!

Why won't the witch let the traveling pig actors into her gingerbread cottage? She's afraid they'll bring down the house.

Why did the spider buy a car? So he could take it out for a spin!

What is a mouse's favorite record? 'Please cheese me'!

What do you get if cross a frog with some mist? Kermit the Fog!

What is a horses favourite TV show? Neeeebours

Which rabbit was in Western movies? Hopalong Cassidy.

You said it was a great horse and it is. It took twenty other horses to beat him!

What is the most famous shark? William Sharkspeare!

What is the definition of 'derange'? De place where de cowboys ride!

Why couldn't the Gorilla pitcher make it in the major leagues? His balk was worse than his bite!

Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet? A: So they can jump up in trees and rape monkeys.

What did the mooron say when he saw the milk cartons in the grass? 'Hey! Look at the cow's nest!'

Q: Diner: I can't eat this chicken. Call the manager. A: Waiter: It's no use. He can't eat it either.

SOW: Would you like a nice cake with three candles for your party? PIGLET: I'd rather have three cakes and one candle.

What's as big as a horse, but weighs nothing? A horses shadow!

Which dog tastes better when eaten? A hot dog.

What subject are snakes good at school? Hiss-tory!

Why is a dog with a lame leg like adding 6 and 7s? He puts down the three and carries the one.

What would happen if tarantulas were as big as horses? If one bit you, you could ride it to hospital!

Why was Teddy Roosevelt mean to horses? He was a rough rider!

What do cows wear when they're vacationing in Hawaii? Moo moos

Which city holds the record for the most suicides committed by a Gorilla jumping off a tall building? Fall-adelphia!

Why is it dangerous to go into the jungle between two and four in the afternoon? That's when dinosaurs are jumping out of palm ees.

What did the chicken do when he saw a bucket of fried chicken? She kicked the bucket!

A guy walks into a bar and there's a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, 'What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse tending bar before?' The guy says, 'It's not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.'

Where did the Knights of the Round Table park their horses? In the Sir Lance Lot

Why did the elephant jump in the lake when it began to rain? To stop getting wet!

Did you hear about the race horse that was so late coming in? They had to pay the jockey overtime!

Why doesn't Kermit the Frog like elephants? They always want to play leap frog with him

Why is it difficult to identify horses from the back? They're always switching their tails!

Why are chorus girls like barge horses? They have to tow the line!

What did the great Ape shout to the pilots who tried to shoot him off the skyscraper? Listen, hotshots, don't monkey around with me!

What animals do you bring to bed? Your calves.

Why is Dick Clark a favourite star with horses? Because he was a disk jockey from Filly!

What did one centipede say to the other centipede? You've got a lovely pair of legs, You've got a lovely pair of legs,You've got a lovely pair of legs,You've got a lovely pair of legs,You've got a lovely pair of legs,You've got a lovely pair of legs ....!

Q: What do you do when you come across an elephant? A: Wipe it off!

What did the Hollywood producer say to the Apes in the zoo when they refused to sign contracts to appear in his new film? Stop playing it cagey!

How do jockeys determine which racehorses are the favourites? They take a gallop poll!

What happened when the shaggy dog swallowed a teaspoon? He wasn't able to stir.

What is as big as King Kong but doesn't weigh anything? King Kong's shadow.

What kind of pants do you buy for your pet Chihuahua? Shorts!

Why do aardvarks like to talk to ants? They can stick to the subject!

What business is King Kong in? Monkey business.

What do you call a rich frog? A golf blooded reptile!

A man and his son were shoveling the driveway after a heavy snowfall when their dog, Lady, wandered away from them. Man, fearing the dog might be hit by car, shouted angrily: 'Lady! Lady! Get over here right now!' The dog charged happily back over to them, accompanied by a commuter who had been standing at the bus stop. 'Yes, sir, what can I do for you?' she asked.

Q: Why do hens lay eggs? A: If they dropped them, they'd break.

How did the little pig win at Monopoly? He built hotels on Pork Place.

There were two parrots on a perch, and one says to the other, 'Can you smell fish?'

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be baygulls (bagels, get it?).

When the cat's away.....? The house smells better!

What's a toad's favorite sweet? Lollihops!

What kind of doctors are like spiders? Spin doctors!

What does a bee say before it stings you? This is going to hurt me a lot more than it hurts you!

Q. What's the difference between a little moron and an elephant? A. About 20 pounds, but the elephant's gaining!

There's a guy who's hiking in the woods one day when a bear chases him up a really tall tree. The bear started to climb the tree, so the guy climbed up higher. Then, the bear climbed down and went away. So the guy starts to climb down the tree. Suddenly, the bear returns, and this time he's brought an even bigger bear with him. The two bears climb up the tree, the bigger bear going higher than the first. But the guy climbed even higher still, so the bears couldn't reach him. Eventually, the bears went away. Naturally quite relieved, the guy starts down the tree again. Suddenly, the two bears return. But this time the guy knew he was in big trouble. Each bear was carrying a BEAVER.

Which fly captured the ladybird? The dragon-fly.

What is the cat's favorite TV show? The evening mews!

Hickory hickory dock. The mouse ran up the clock The clock struck one But the rest got away with minor injuries

Why did King Kong join the army? To learn about gorilla warfare.

Why does a dog scratch himself? He is the only one that knows where it itches.

What is small, furry and smells like bacon? A hamster!

Q: What did the peanut say to the elephant? A: Nothing, peanuts can't talk.

What has 2,000 eyes and 4,000 feet? A thousand dogs.

Q: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road? A: To take over the other side.

Animals Jokes

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. 'How was work, dear?' his wife asks. 'Listen! I don't want to talk about work!' he shouts. 'Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?' she asks nicely. 'Listen!' he shouts again. 'I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?' At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage. Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, 'Well, I guess it's that time of the month.'

Why do elephants have trunks? Because they would look silly carrying suitcases!

How does an octopus go to war? Well-armed!

What do you get if cross two young dogs with a pair of headphones? Hush puppies!

Why did the Irishman buy two tickets to the zoo? One to get in and one to get out.

There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted '240-S'. The dealer asks, 'Why 'S'?' The snail replies, ''S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving.' Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee. The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say 'Wow! Look at that S-car go!'

What do piggys take when they are sick? Pigicillin!

What happened to the horse that swallowed a dollar bill? It bucked!

Lara Rabbit: Do you think that's Sophie's natural color? Zara Rabbit: Only her hare dresser knows for sure.

Is the squirt from an elephants trunk very powerful? Well, a jumbo jet can keep 500 people in the air for hours at a time!

Why did the rooster cross the street? To get to the other side.

If you make a cow angry, how will she get even? She'll cream you!

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off. The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away. The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summon an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life. The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing. The doctor thought for a moment and said, 'Yes, there's a nasty bug going around.Ten signs that you're at a bad zoo 1. When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are mocking you. 2. The bears exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the football team during training camp. 3. The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat. 4. The zookeeper always wants to take the rhino for a walk. 5. The lion in the lion cage closely resembles the one from The Lion King. 6. The alligator in the reptiles exhibit is nothing more than the University of Florida's Mascot. 7. If you deposit 50 cents, the giraffe will magically appear and talk to you. 8. Ask the tour guide too many questions and you're suddenly dipped in some sort of sauce and placed in the tigers den. 9. The elephant appears to be two guys in a two part elephant suit. 10. Two words: Hippo Dogs!

Purring: Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness. Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty. Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something. Human being: Automatic door opener for cats. Purrpetual: Everlasting love for domesticated felines. Purrson: A male kitty. Purrpetual motion: A kitty playing.

What do you call a cat wearing shoes? Puss in boots!

Why is your dad chasing those pigs through the garden? We're raising mashed potatoes.

What are cows favorite party games? MOO-sical chairs!

Why do pigs like February 14th? They get lots of Valenswines.

How do you make a small fortune out of horses? Start off with a large fortune!

What person strives to ensure safety for horses? Ralph Neighder!

Q: How can you tell if an elephant is getting ready to charge? A: He pull out his Diners' Club card.

First Caribou: What well-known cartoon character do moths like a hole lot? Second Caribou: Micky Moth!

Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer who said his dog could draw. His dog's name was 'T-Square', and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which he did with no sweat. The accountant said he thought his dog, 'Balance', could do better. He told him to fetch a dozen cookies and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem. The chemist said that was a very good stunt, but that his dog, 'Apothecary', could do better yet. He told his dog to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. Apothecary did this without a hitch. All three men agreed their dogs were equally smart. They turned to the Civil Servant and asked him what his dog could do. The Civil Servant called his dog, whose name was 'Coffee break', and said, 'Show the fellows what you can do, old buddy.' Coffee Break then strolled over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so. He then filed a grievance for unsafe conditions, applied for Workers' Compensation, and left for home on sick leave.

What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A hoarse horse!

Who is the bees favourite singer? Sting!

Why did the elephant eat the candle? He wanted a light snack!

What did the bee say to the flower? Hello honey!

Q: What kind of suit does a bee wear to work? A: A buzzness suit!

What's green and red? A very mad frog.

What do you get if you pour boiling water down rabbit holes? Hot, cross bunnies!

I took my son to the zoo yesterday. Really, did they accept him?

Q: Why did the turkey cross the road? A: To prove he wasn't chicken.

Cow: Why don't you shoo those flies? Bull: I'll let them go barefoot!

What happened when a deadly rattle snake bit a witch? He died in agony!

How did the dog get into the locked cemetery at night? He used a skeleton key.

Why are Gorillas underpaid? They're willing to work peanuts!

Q. What does a cow make when the sun comes out? A. A shadow

Why didn't the pigs eat the rotten eggs in their feed ough? They were saving the best for last.

Q: How do you shoot a green elephant? A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

What has four wheels and flies? A rubbish bin!

What happened to the chicken whose feathers were all pointing the wrong way? She was tickled to death!

Q: What did one flea say to the other flea when they came out of the movies? - A: Should we walk home or take a dog?

What famous painting do cows love to look at? The Moona Lisa!

What's the difference between a sick elephant and seven days? One is a weak one and the other one week!

Denis, a Psychiatrist, to his patient Menace: What's your problem? Menace: I think I'm a chicken. Denis the Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on? Menace: Since I was an egg!

Q: Why do elephants have trunks? A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.

What are the cleverest bees? Spelling bees!

What did the elephant say to the famous detective? It's ele-mentary, my dear Sherlock!

Why did the dolphin feel crabby? Because he ate too many crabs!

FRED: Did I ever tell you about the time I came face to face with a very fierce gorilla? BERT: No, what happened? FRED: Well, I stood there, without a gun . . . The gorilla looked at me and snarled and roared and beat his chest. Then it came closer and closer . . . BERT: What did you do? FRED: Oh, I'd had enough, so I moved on to the next cage.

Q: Why is a tree like a dog? A: Because they both lose their bark when they die.

Q: What is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers? A: Cinderelephant.

A man walks into a bar and says 'Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack'. The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says 'Another'. The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says 'Another'. As the bartender pours the third glass he says, 'Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?' The man says, 'Ten years, ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having sex with her.' The bartender says 'Geez, what did you say.' The man says ' I told him, BAD DOG! BAD DOG!'

Where do frogs keep their treasure? In a croak of gold at the end of the rainbow!

Two hikers are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first hiker gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on. The second hiker says, 'What are you doing?' The first responds, 'I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll have to jump down and make a run for it.' The second says, 'Are you crazy? Don't you know you can't ouun a bear? The first guy says, 'I don't have to ouun the bear... I only have to ouun you!'

Did you hear about the whale who couldn't keep a secret? He was a blubber mouth!

There once was this blonde riding a horse. After a while it began to speed up. She was hanging on by the tail and cut her forehead open. After a long struggle, she was able to climb back onto the horse. She then fell off the side and got her foot caught. The horse was now dragging her. She finally got back on the horse with a broken ankle, bruises all over, and she was bleeding from three different spots. Finally, the horse came to a complete stop Thank goodness that the manager of the K-mart came out and shut the machine off.

What weighs 4 tons and is bright red? An elephant holding its breath!

Q: How do cats buy things? - A: From a cat-alogue!

How can you tell the difference between an elephant and a grape? A grape is purple.

An idiot decided to start a chicken farm so he bought a hundred chickens to begin with. A month later he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died. A month later he was back at the dealer for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died. 'But I think I know where I'm going wrong,' said the idiot, 'I think I'm planting them too deep.'

What kind of money do polar bears use? Ice lolly!

What do you call a pig thief? A hamburglar!

What do you call someone who sticks his right hand in shark's mouths? Lefty!

A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. 'Does your dog bite?' 'No.' A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg. 'I thought you said your dog didn't bite!' the man says indignantly. 'That's not my dog.'

A little old lady was in the kitchen one day, washing the dishes when suddenly a little genie appeared beside her. 'You've led a long and good life' the genie said, 'I have come to reward you by granting you three wishes. Ask for anything you want and I will make it happen.' The old lady was surprised but cynical. Not really believing that anything would happen she decided to play along for a minute. 'Ok' she said, 'turn all those dirty dishes into money.' With that there was a big Poof! and the dishes had turned into a big pile of cash. 'My' said the old lady, staggered that it had actually worked, 'Perhaps you could make me look young and beautiful again?' There was another big poof and the woman now looked lots younger and was very good looking. Excitedly she carried on, 'Can you turn my dear old cat into a handsome young man?' Once more there was a big Poof, and the cat was replaced by a handsome young man. Smiling devilishly she turned to the young man and said 'At last! Now I want to make love with you for the rest of the day and all night too!' The young man just looked at her for moment then replied in a high pitched voice, 'Well you should have thought about that before you took me to the vet!'

An elephant is walking through the jungle when she gets a thorn in her foot. She is in absolute agony until an ant strolls by. So the elephant says, 'Help me, help me.' But the ant refuses unless the elephants agrees to let the ant have his wicked way with her. Replys the elephant, 'Anything! Anything!' So, out comes the thorn and up gets the ant and proceeds to enjoy himself. Meanwhile, in a tree directly above them, a monkey, who witnessed the whole episode, was in knots of laughter. Consequently he fell out of the tree on top of the elephant. Says the elephant: 'Ouch!' Says the ant, in his own little frenzy: 'Suffer BITCH, SUFFER!!!'

Q: Why are pygmies so short? A: They climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the afternoon.

What do you get if you cross a parrot with a shark? A bird that will talk you ear off!

How many frogs does it take to screw in a light bulb? One frog and 37 light bulbs, slippery hands, ya know.

What happened when the lion ate the comedian? He felt funny!

What do you call a chocolate Easter bunny that was out in the sun too long? A runny bunny.

How to you know that cows will be in heaven? It's a place of udder delight.

Once upon a time, bad King John raised a mighty army and set out to conquer the known world. After a series of successful campaigns, the remaining kings realized that their lone efforts would never prevail. They had to band together under the leadership of the best general they had - 'George-the-Turk'. George the Turk had promised that he would defeat bad King John's army and would place him on a rack - in a public display - so that no one would ever again try to conquer the world. While George the Turk was assembling his army and scouting out bad King John, he also ordered his engineers to design and build the largest rack here-to-fore made. The rack was then fitted with wheels and required 40 horses to pull it. When all was ready, George the Turk set out to do battle. Bad King John, who was camped by a river enjoying the spoils of his latest victory, had not yet gotten word of George the Turk's army. George the Turk knew that his army must attack quickly before Bad King John could prepare a defense. But, alas, the 40 horse team pulling the large rack could not keep up with the troops. George the Turk ordered more horses to be teamed, but, still they lagged. George the Turk remembered that Hannibul was not too far away in the mountains with a herd of elephants. Elephants would be better than horses for pulling the rack. So, George the Turk sent his second-in-command to Hannibul to rent enough elephants for the job. Hannibul agreed and also sent along his best elephant handler. This elephant handler quickly realized the importance of his unique position in George the Turk's army and insisted that he be given the title of 'elephant engineer' and a huge pay raise. George the Turk agreed with the title and the pay raise. The rack, powered by elephants and driven by the 'elephant engineer' , kept pace with the rapidly moving army. Late one night they arrived at the enemy camp by the river. George the Turk deployed his troops to cut off any avenue of escape and issued the order to attack at dawn - on his command. He also ordered the rack to be positioned on the highest hill overlooking bad King John's camp. This site was the perfect spot to publically display bad King John - to show the world what happens to anyone who dares to try to conquer the world. With dawn approaching George the Turk goes to the top of the hill beside the rack so that everyone can see his command to attack: when his sword drops ---ATTACK !!!!! All is quiet. The enemy camp is asleep. Every man is waiting for the signal. The first ray of sunlight strikes the helmet of George the Turk. He draws his sword slowly and holds it over his head. The sunlight gleams off the blade --- and scares the elephants that are hitched to the rack. They start trumpeting and rearing and the elephant engineer can't control then. He drops the reins and clings onto the rack for dear life. The rack breaks loose from the team and starts rolling down the hill -- straight for the enemy camp. All this noise wakes bad King John. He orders an aide to go outside the tent to see what is the cause. The aide takes a hard look, comes back into the tent, and reports: 'As near as I can tell -- It's a rambling rack from George the Turk with an elephant engineer' !!!

What would you call a nine day old dog in Russia? A puppy.

How does an elephant hide in the jungle? He paints his balls red and sits in a cherry tree.

Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth. She told the Lord that it was awful, she had to sleep in cold back alleys where there was no food and life was hard. God told her that he was sorry it had turned out that way but here, in heaven, she would be happy and He would give her the most comfortable, warm pillow to sleep on. The cat laid down upon the pillow and was happy. A few days later, about a dozen mice that came to heaven together and God asked them how they had liked earth. Earth was no better for them than it was the cat. They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and their feet were worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people. God felt bad for the mice and decided to give them rollerskates. One day God sees the cat again and asked her how she was liking heaven. She explained that it was absolutely wonderful. The pillow he gave her was the most comfortable place that she had ever slept on, but even better than the pillow were the meals on wheels.

What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!

How do you make a butterfly? Flick it out of the butter dish with a knife!

What's the best way to catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on him

Why don't elephants like playing cards in the jungle? Because of all the cheetahs!

What's as big as an elephant but weighs nothing? An elephant's shadow!

The kids are crazy about a new piglet toy. When they wind it up, it eats all the spinach off their plates.

Q. What is the difference between an elephant and a blueberries? A. They're both blue, except for the elephant.

Why was the centipede dropped from the insect football team? He took too long to put his boots on!

Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road? A: Because the chicken wasn't invented yet.

I've got a new aardvark. Would you like to play with him? I don't really know. I've heard it growling, it doesn't sound very friendly. Does it bite? That's what I want to find out.

A lion woke up one morning with the urge to assert his superiority over his fellow beasts. He strode over to a monkey, and roared 'Who is the Mightiest of Animals?' 'You are, Master,' said the monkey, cowering. Then the lion approached a warthog. 'Who is the Mightiest of Animals?' roared the lion. 'You are, my Lord,' said the warthog, quivering with fear. Next the lion met an elephant. 'Who is the Mightiest of Animals?' roared the lion. The elephant grabbed the lion with his trunk, swung him in the air, slammed him ten times against a tree trunk, threw him into a dense patch of thorns, and strolled away. 'Okay!' shouted the lion. 'There's no need to turn nasty just because you don't know the answer!'

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. 'Hold on there, partner,' said the snake, 'don't shoot- I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want.' The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, 'OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding.' The rattlesnake said, 'All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes.' The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, 'Oh no! I was riding the mare!'

There's this fellow with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, 'QUIT IT!' But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, 'OK for you,' and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invectives that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets VERY quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, 'Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.' The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, 'By the way, what did the chicken do?'

Q: How do you know when an elephant has its period? A: There is a quarter on your dresser and your mattress is missing.

Q: What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road? A: Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to be sung).

A boy with an elephant on his head went to see a doctor. The doctor said, 'You know you really need help' 'Yes I do', said the elephant, 'get this kid off my foot!'

First Caribou: What do you call a bee that can't make up his mind? Second Caribou: A maybee.

A woman is walking in the park when she sees a man playing chess with his cat. She says to the man 'I can't believe what I'm seeing, a cat that plays chess, what a clever animal!!' The man replied 'Nah lady this cats not clever at all I'm beating it 6 games to 1'

A young polar bear came into his den and asked his mother, 'Mom am I a real polar bear?' 'Of course you are.' His mother replied. The young polar bear asked his father. 'Dad, am I a real polar bear?' 'Yes, you are a real polar bear.' A week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, 'Are grandma and grandpa real polar bears?' 'Yes' said his parents. Another week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, 'Are all my relatives real polar bears?' 'Yes, they are all real polar bears,' said his parents. 'Why do you ask?' replied his mother. 'Because,' said the young polar bear,'I'm fucking freezing!'

Why did the rooster run away? He was chicken!

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his acks when he heard a loud voice say: 'Jesus is watching you!' Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. 'Jesus is watching you,' the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: 'Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?' 'Yes', said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: 'What's your name?' 'Clarence,' said the bird. 'That's a dumb name for a parrot,' sneered the burglar. 'What idiot named you Clarence?' The parrot said, 'The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus.'

Two young nuns having just been ordained were on a holiday in New York City and were standing in front of the gorilla cage at the Bronx Zoo. The gorilla took one look at this beautiful young nun, bent the bars, lept to the ground and kissed her. Then he went back into his cage, straightened the bars and resumed thumping on his massive chest. The nouns met again a week later and one of the nouns asked her friend,'I have one question.Did he sent flowers afterwards...?'

A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting 'I don't give two hoots for your shoes man! I'll go and kill my own croc,' to which the shopkeeper replied, 'By all means, just watch out for those two 'ole boys' who are doing the same!'. So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. 'They must be the 'ole boys' he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The guy stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer. Just as the beast was about to swallow the him, he struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several already laying Together the two guys threw the gator onto its back, where-upon one exclaimed 'Darn! This one doesn't have any shoes either!'.

Did you hear about the stupid snake? He lost his skin.

Why do dinosaurs climb trees? There's nothing else to climb in the jungle.

What soft drink do pigs like best? Root beer.

What's a moo hoo for a tug-of-war between two longhorns? A bull pull!

What do you call a Polish aardvark? A Polaark!

Why didn't the piglets listen to the teacher pig? Because he was an old boar.

What is a Chihuahua's favorite sport? Miniature golf!

What goes 'Clip'? A one legged horse!

What's big and hairy and climbs up the Empire State Building in a dress? Queen Kong.

Q: How do you get 1,000 elephants into a shopping cart at Safeway. A: To get the answer, you'd better get the 'S' out of Safe and the 'F' out of the way.

What's grey and moves at a hundred miles an hour? A jet propelled elephant!

What is a moo hoo for a cow that fell into the thresher? Ground round!

Why do primates do so well in show biz? Put any Ape in the spotlight - and monkeyshines!

Q: How many legs does an elephant have? A: Four, two in the front, two in the back.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!

How do you make a dog float? Take two scoops of ice cream, a couple of squirts of soda and a small dog.

First Kangaroo: If you were surrounded by 30 lions, 25 elephants and 10 hippos, how would you get away from them? Second Kangaroo: Step off the merry-go-round.

Why did the goose cross the road? Because the light was green.

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, 'You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you.' The grasshopper says, 'You've got a drink named Steve?'

What's a rabbits' favorite car? Any make, just as long it's a hutchback!

Why did the rabbit have trouble hopping? Because he always kept one foot in his pocket for good luck!

QUESTION: What do you get from a bee that has an udder? ANSWER: Milk and honey.

Q: Have you heard about Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants? A: None of the offspring survived.

Why did the frog croak? Because he ate a poisonous fly!

What do you say to a hitchhiking frog? Hop in!

If they made a movie starring the Loch Ness monster and the great white shark from Jaws, what would the movie be called? Loch Jaws.

What is slimy and wobbly, tastes of raspberry and lives in the seas? A red jellyfish.

How many ducks would there be, if you saw two ducks in front of two ducks, two ducks between two ducks, and two ducks behind two ducks? Answer: 4 ducks-because they are in a row.

Why is it hard for Chihuahuas to type on a keyboard? They're all paws.

Animals Jokes

Why should you always refuse to lend an Ape money? It's dangerous to let him put the bite on you!

What did one flea say to the other after a night out? Shall we walk home or take a dog?

Dad, Mum is fighting with an enormous elephant in the garden! 'Don't worry dear, I'm sure the elephant can look after itself!'

I hear you take milk baths. That's right. Why? I can't find a cow tall enough for a shower!

What is the most important use for cowhide? To hold the cow together.

What is life like for a wood worm? Boring!

What do you call a happy Lassie? A jolly collie!

There was a mosquito and a dog who loved each other a lot. One day the mosquito got excited and gave a love bite to the dog. The dog became emotional and returned the love bite to the mosquito. The next day... Mosquito died of rabies and dog died of malaria... What a touching story!!!

How do you feel if you cross a sheepdog with a melon? Melon-collie!

Why does mama aardvark call her husband a cannibal? Because he ate his ant for dinner!

What do you call a herd of cows in a psychiaists office? An encownter group.

How can you tell if a parrot is intelligent? It speaks in Polly-syllables!

What bird tastes just like butter? A stork!

What's white on the outside, and green on the inside? A frog sandwich!

A preacher is buying a parrot. 'Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?' asked the preacher. 'Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot,' the storekeeper assures him. 'Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the Lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm.' 'Wonderful!' says the preacher, 'but what happens if you pull both strings?' 'I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!' screeched the parrot.

What do you call a horse that's been all around the world? A globe-otter!

Caller: Finally! I got through! I've been trying to call the zoo for hours! Zookeeper: Yes, all our lions were busy!

What did the confused bee say? To bee or not to bee!

What did the spider say to the bee? Your honey or your life!

What's a bees favourite novel? The Great Gats-bee!

Two elephants jumped off a cliff....... BOOM BOOM!

Why did the frog walk across the road? He didn't... he jumped.

How do bulls drive their cars? They steer them!

Q: What kind of cats lay around the house? - A: Car-pets!

In the jungle there was once this elephant and a snake. They had a bitter rivalry about who was smarter. So the wise owl (who was their arbitrator) set each of them up with a test. To the elephant he posed the problem of catching or snookering the snake; the snake, on the other hand, had to surprise and astound the elephant. Next day the snake crept up on the elephant; and within a blink of an eye slithered up the elephant's trunk. The snake wriggled and wriggled up the trunk, into the esophegus, down into the stomach, through the intestines, and a minute later popped out of the elephant's arse, and said 'BOO!' The elephant, clearly astounded, asked the snake to do it again; this was truly a remarkable feat, and wanted to make sure it wasn't a fluke. So the snake wiped himself on some grass, and slithered once more up the trunk, slipping and sliding through the elephant's digestive tract. When the snake emerged a minute later, covered in shit, from the elephant's rectum, the elephant shoved his trunk up his ass and said 'Snookered!'

How does an elephant get out of a small car? The same way that he got in!

Why did the girl Gorilla, engaged to the invisible man, call off the wedding? Because in the last analysis she just couldn't see it!

How does a frog confuse you? When he comes out and says he needed that nap and feels much better.

Why wouldn't the snake go on the weighing maching? Because he had his own scales!

Which is the favorite Gorilla proverb? A fiend in need is a fiend indeed!

How to fleas avel? Itch hiking!

What pillar doesn't need holding up? A caterpillar!

What do you call a bee who's had a spell put on him? He's bee-witched!

When the lumberjacks sawed down the tree, where did the Gorilla hiding in the uppermost branches land? Nearby - the Ape-lle doesn't fall far from the tree!

Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant? A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.

What do you call an elephant with a machine gun? Sir.

What do you call a crazy chicken? A cuckoo cluck!

What do you call a dog in the middle of a muddy road? A mutt in a rut!

A bumble bee was chasing a rabbit. Finally the bee turned around and flew away. Why? The rabbit had two b's already.

Who is a bee's favorite painter? Pablo Beecasso!

Q: How many giraffes can you fit in a VW bug? A: None, the elephants are in there!

One day Mullah was beating his donkey in a remote place. A man saw him and asked: why are you beating the poor animal. Sorry, said Mullah, is it a member of your family?

Why doesn't a dog ever have a nose 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.

Did you hear about the new Chinese cookbook being sold only at pet stores? '101 Ways to Wok Your Dog'

Why do pigs run into ees? To shake out the alligators. I've never seen an alligator In a ee. That's because the pigs do such a good job.

Where do ants go to eat? At a restaurant!

Where did the piglets study their ABC's? At a school for higher loining.

Q: How do you get Tarzan in the fridge? A: Open door, get two VW's out, put tarzan in, close door.

Whats a frogs favourite game? It's croak-et!

Why did the Ape jump off the building? He wanted to show the world the stuff he was made of!

Name the pig's favorite Shakespeare play. Hamlet.

What do cows get when they do all their chores? Mooney.

How do fireflies lose weight? They burn calories.

Why do frogs have webbed feet? To stamp out forest fires!

Why did the piglets get in trouble in their biology class? They ate all the specimens.

What did the baby elephant get when the daddy elephant sneezed? Out of the way!

Why are black cats such good singers? They're very mewsical.

How do you hire an elephant? Stand it on four bricks!

What's the best thing about deadly snakes? They've got poisonality!

What do cows call Frank Sinatra? Old Moo Eyes!

Why was the moth so unpopular? He kept picking holes in everything!

Little Jordan wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents, Al and Elaine, for days. Finally Elaine talked Jordan's reluctant father into taking him. And so Jordan and Al got into the car and left. 'So how was it?' Elaine asked when they returned home. 'Great,' Little Jordan replied. 'Did you and your father have a good time?' asked Elaine. 'Yeah, Daddy especially liked it,' exclaimed Jordan, excitedly, 'especially when one of the animals came racing home at 30 to 1!'

Some vampires went to see Dracula. They said, 'Drac, we want to open a zoo. Have you got any advice?' 'Yes,' replied Dracula, 'have lots of giraffes.'

What sort of perfume do snakes prefer? Poison by Christian Dior!

What is a baseball dog? One that chases fowls.

What did the hotel manager say to the elephant that couldn't pay his bill? 'Pack your trunk and clear out!'

Doctor, said the patient, 'I need help! I can't stop acting like a cat!' 'How long have you had this problem?' the doctor asked. 'Lest's see,' said the patient, 'Mom had the litter in '41??

Q: What has two tails, two trunks and five feet? A: An elephant with spare parts

What is the most religious insect? A mosque-ito!

Who was the most famous pirate octopus? Captain Squid!

How do stones stop moths eating your clothes? Because rolling stones gather no moths!

What is the best type of story to tell a runaway horse? A tale of whoa!

What lives in gum trees? Stick insects!

What did the fat pig say when the farmer dumped corn mash into the trough? 'I'm afraid that's all going to waist.'

Why are mosquitoes annoying? Because they get under your skin.

What would happen if you crossed Magilla Gorilla with a Saint Bernard? It would drink the brandy it would carry and act like a big Gorilla!

What's another name for an assistant stable cleaner? A co-pile-it!

One ant was running across an unopened box of crackers and urging another to speed up. 'But why do we have to hurry?' said one. 'Can you read, you nut! It says, 'Tear along the dotted line''.

What happens when ducks fly upside down? They quack up!

Why do Apes like tall buildings? They want to climb the heights of the business world!

Where do Eskimos train their dogs? In the mush room!

Q: What is a crowbar? A: A place were crows go to get a drink!

Alsation: Why do you like to go on camping trips? Chihuahua: I like to 'ruff it!

Why is the cook worried about catching his runaway pig? He knows a little ham goes a long way.

What does a spider do when he gets angry? He goes up the wall!

What do you call a thick-skinned aardvark? A hardvark!

Why did the moth nibble a hole in the carpet? He wanted to see the floor show!

Why wouldn't the sow let her piglets play with toads? She didn't want them to grow into wart hogs.

Why did Bossy tell the cowpoke to leave her calf alone? She thought children should be seen and not herded!

Q: What did Jane say? A: Here come the blueberries. (Jane was color blind)

Why did the pigs paint their hoofs green? It was Saint Patrick's Day.

Why won't pigs take up jogging? They don't like to get that far from the table.

Why doesn't Santa hitch his sleigh to a pig? Pigs don't have red noses.

What do angry rodents send each other at Christmas time? Cross mouse cards!

What does an educated owl say? Whom.

Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb? A: Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs.

Why did the man call his horse Fleabag? Because he was often scratched!

Why are there so many piggy banks? Pigs don't like to hide their money in the mattress.

What kind of dog wears a uniform and medals? A guard dog!

Where do you usually find dogs? It all depends on where you lose them.

Why was the ladybird kicked out of the forest? Because she was a litter bug.

Who is the Gorillas' favorite playwright? Eugene O'Neill - who wrote 'The Hairy Ape!'

What dogs never get lost? Newfound-lands!

Why does a rooster watch TV? For hentertainment!

Jim Finley, the noted biologist, was stumped. He'd spent months studying the little green frogs in the Keefo swamp. The population, despite all efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate. Finally, Finley went to the chemistry department at his college to see if anyone there might be able to help. Tom Trump looked into the problem and came up with a solution. The little frogs had succumbed to a chemical change in the swamp's water and simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce. Tom brewed up a new adhesive, made from a dash of this, a dash of that, and most critically, one part sodium. 'You mean?.... ' Jim said when told. 'Yes,' said Tom, 'They needed mono-sodium glue to mate.'

What jumps up and down in front of a car? Froglights!

Which of these jokes do the pigs like best? The corniest ones.

Where do wild pigs go on weekends? Pignics.

What do you call an ant who can't play the piano? Discordant!

What does ever horse and rider do at the same time? Grow old!

How do you keep a dog from barking in your front yard? Put him in your back yard.

What TV station do bees watch? Bee bee c one!

What kind of pig do sows dislike? Male Chauvinist Pigs.

Why did the pig go to the casino? To play the slop machine!

What is a moo hoo for steak that came late? Filet delay!

Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground? A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.

Why are mosquitos religious? They prey on you!

What kind of leash should you buy for a Chihuahua? A short one!

This is an actual account by a worker at a technical support and service center. One particular customer had an old console-type machine with a print head that would ride back and forth on a spiral shaft. They also had a big bushy cat who liked to sit on the edge of the printer next to the operator. Well, one day we got a service call that said, 'Cat caught in machine, come quick!' When I arrived I saw everyone sitting around mending their various wounds, scratches and contusions. No sight of the cat. It appears that while they were running the machine the cat was twirling his tail in his usual fashion and stuck it down into the printer at the most inopportune time and got sucked in! Apparently, the cat absolutely freaked out and clawed at everyone who came close. They finally freed the cat, and to this day, the cat goes nowhere near the machine.

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a ee reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.

Q: Why did chicken Dr. Kevorkian cross the road? A: To help the patient find the other side.

What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you? Your calves!

Two zebras meet and begin to argue about whether they are white with black stripes or black with white stripes. The first zebra goes and asks God. God responds by saying, 'You are what are.' So the zebra returns and says to the other zebra we are white with black stripes. The other zebra says how do you know? What did God say? The zebra replies saying he said we are what we are. If we were black with white stripes he would have said, 'You is what you is.'

What is a jockey's motto? Put your money where your mount is!

What is a parrot? A wordy birdy!

What's got two legs and bleeds? Half a dog.

If you put 30 female Apes and 30 male Apes in a bedroom, what do you have? A very large bedroom.

What do you call a pickled aardvark? A jarredvark!

The Crist family worked at a zoo. Each year they predicted the general luck and overall mood of the year by watching the the gnu. If the gnu's ears were forward, that meant a successful, joyous year was almost certain to happen. But if his ears were laid back flat against his head, it meant that an unlucky or very unhappy year was sure to come. One year it was young Mary's turn to 'survey' the animal and come up with the prediction. It was her first time solo, and in her excitement, she forgot to take the key to the cage. She was late in coming to check on the gnu. Well, she saw the wrong ear position and predicted a bad year, when in fact it was quite good. To explain the error, the local newspaper ran the following headline a year later: MARY CRIST MISSES AN HAPPY GNU'S EAR!

Where do steers go to dance? To the Meat Ball!

When did the Gorillas start to picket the cookie factory? The day they started to manufacture animal crackers!

Where do birds meet for coffee? In a nest-cafe!

What did the pig say when he found a line of ants in his ough? 'Mmm. Canapes.'

Why was the little bear so spoiled? Because its mother panda'd to its every whim!

Why did the big pig want to go on stage? There was a lot of ham in him.

Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares!

Why did the boy stand behind the horse? He thought he might get a kick out of it!

What happens when you drop a hand gren-egg? It eggs-plodes!

Why did the elephant cross the road? Because the chicken was having a day off!

What command does the aardvark give most often when he sails? Snout about!

What did the dog do with the history professor? They got together and talked over old times.

What happened to the lizard in the wizard's garden pond? He had him newt-ered.

Q: What is more difficult than getting an elephant into the back seat of your car? A: Getting TWO elephants into the back seat of your car!

Q: How do you know Tarzan is in the fridge? A: You can hear Tarzan scream OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO

Why did the dog mistake the dog catcher for a grape? He was color-blind.

What's a snakes favorite flower? Coily-flowers!

What do you call a pig in a steel foundry? A pig pig.

What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak? Mouse code!

What kind of ants are very learned? Pedants!

How did the Chihuahua disappear on the road? It was using a hide-'n-go-seekle!

Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging? A: Take away his credit card.

What do you call a man with a rabbit up his jumper? Warren!

Q: Which game did the cat want to play with the mouse? - A: Catch.

What is a thespian pony? A little horse play!

Which drink makes a Gorilla feel tipsy? An ape-ricot sour!

What kind of dog chases anything red? A bull dog!

What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy? 'You scratch my beak and I'll scratch yours!'

What's a rabbits' favorite song? 'Hoppy Birthday to You.'

How do you stop a thundering herd of Apes? Hold up your arm and say 'Go back, you didn't say 'May I?''

Q: How do you get 8(!) elephants in a fridge? A: Put four in a VW, four in another VW, put the two VW's in the fridge. A fridge large enough to hold two elephants can surely hold two VW's!

Who is the most famous French ant? Napoleant!

What is the definition of a caterpillar? A worm in a fur coat!

How could the dolphin afford to buy a house? He prawned everything!

A bear walks into a bar and says, 'I'd like a beer ............ and some of those peanuts.' The bartender says, 'Sure, but why the big paws?'

What did the bee to the other bee in summer? Swarm here isn't it!

What language do birds speak? Pigeon English!

A city child came running into the farmhouse. 'No wonder that mama pig is so big,' she yelled. 'There's a bunch of little pigs out there blowing her up!'

When an ape visits his tailor, what kind of a suit does he order? A zoo-t suit!

Why did the farmer fence in the bull? The farmer had too much of a steak in him to let him go!

First Caribou: Which bug gobbles up ash? Second Caribou: The litterbug.

Why did the rabbit run out of the fast-food restaurant? He thought he heard someone order a quarter pounder on a toasted bunny.

Why do elephants live in the jungle? Because it's out of the high rent district.

Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant? A: Ever seen a yellow elephant?!!!

What do you call a horse wearing Venetian blinds? A zebra!

What do you get from an invisible cow? Evaporated milk!

What did the slug say as he slipped down the window very fast? How slime flies!

What's a skunk's favorite game in school? Show and smell!

What kind of cat should you take into the desert? A first aid kitty!

What do you call a bird that lives underground? A mynah bird!

Why was Easter the aardvark's favorite holiday? Because he liked aard-boiled eggs!

What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich!

Animals Jokes

What equine likes to cut in line? A sawhorse!

What did the cow wear to the football game? A Jersey.

What do you do when two snails have a fight? Leave them to slug it out.

Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for mother's day? What did they do? They threw a sowprize party.

What do you find in an elephants graveyard? Elephantoms!

What's grey and wrinkly and jumps every twenty seconds? An elephant with hiccups!

Why did the pig join a muscle-building class? He thought 'pumping iron' was a new juice dispenser.

What do insects learn at school? Mothmatics!

What did the zoo keeper say when he saw four elephants walking over the hill towards him wearing sunglasses? Nothing, he didn't recognize them!

Why do polo bears like bald men? Because they have a great, white, bear place!

Q: Why does a dog wag it's tail? - A: No one else will do it for them

Why are pigs such early risers? Did you ever y to shut off a rooster?

What do you do if you fiend King Kong in the kitchen? Just don't monkey with him.

Q: What has got four legs and an arm? - A: A Rottweiler in a playground.

Who do they get for Babe the pig's dangerous movie scenes? A stunt ham.

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and terrible vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude. He was constantly saying polite words and playing soft music, he did anything he could think of. Nothing worked. When he yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. If he shook the bird, the bird got madder and ruder. Finally in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then suddenly, there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: 'I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions, so I ask for your forgiveness. I will y to correct my behavior.' David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had changed him when the parrot continued: 'May I ask what the chicken did?'

How do you know that cats are sensitive creatures? They never cry over spilt milk!

Who did the breeder call when his horse was possessed by an evil spirit? An exhorsist!

What did the baby skunk want to be when he grew up? A big stinker!

Why did the sheep cross the road? He needed to go to the baa baa shop.

How do you hire a teddy bear? Put him on stilts!

What has four legs and goes, 'Oom! Oom!'? A cow walking backwards!

What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak? Morse toad!

What do you call a stupid ant? Antwerp.

If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have? Plenty of milk!

Animals Jokes

Why can't you trust snakes? They speak with forked tongues!

What do you call a frog spy? A croak and dagger agent!

What did the mama pig say to her bad little piglet? 'Behave or Frankenswine will get you.'

Q: How do you know when an Elephant has been in the baby carriage? A: By the footprints on the baby's forehead!

What do most people do when they see a python? They re-coil!

What kind of dog can you best see in the dark? A glowberman pinscher!

What's a rabbits' favorite musical? Hare.

What do you call a 100 spiders on a tire? A spinning wheel!

Sports fad invented by pigs: Mud wrestling.

Look over there! Said the frightened skunk to his pal. 'There's a human with a gun, and he's getting closer and closer! What are we going to do?' To which the second skink calmly replied, 'Let us spray??.'

When pigs have a party, who jumps out of the cake? Nobody. The pigs all jump in.

What did the baby owl's parents say when he wanted to go to a party? You're not owld enough.

Who has large antlers, a high voice and wears white gloves? Mickey Moose!

Who sends flowers on Valentines Day? Cupigs!

What snakes are good at sums? Adders!

Why are elephants large, grey and wrinkly? Because if they were small round and white, they would be aspirins.

Why did the pig send his story to New York? He wanted to be published on Pork Avenue.

Why do apes climb to the tops of buildings? The elevator men are on strike!

Q: What kind of work does a weak cat do? - A: Light mouse work.

If an elephant is the symbol of the Republican Party and a donkey is the symbol of the Democratic Party, what is a pig the symbol of? Any party where there's lots of food.

Why did the dog run in circles? He was a watchdog and needed winding.

First Kangaroo: How do you tell the difference between an elephant and a rhinoceros? Second Kangaroo: The elephant has a better memory.

What did the mother snake say to her crying baby? Stop crying and viper your nose!

Q: Why do elephants drink so much? A: To try to forget.

What's a dog favourite hobby? Collecting fleas!

What band is a cow favorite? Moody Blues

Are shellfish warm? No they're clammy!