What's a turkey's favorite song? "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas"
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Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?
A: Because he doesn't want anyone to know he's screwing the chickens.
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Q. What is a taxidermist's favorite part of Thanksgiving?
A. The stuffing.
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What did the skeleton tell the doctor in the club? I need some body to dance!
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Why did the vampire subscribe to the Wall St Journal? He heard it had great circulation...
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Q: How did the ghost go on vacation?
A: By scareplane!
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Why are women’s breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmastime? Because they were originally made for children but fathers want to play with them.
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A vampire walks into a bar, sits down, and says to the bartender, "A cup of boiling water, please." The bartender, confused and scared, walks up with the water and says, "I thought vampires drank blood..." The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "Yes, it's tea time."
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Why don't witches have babies? Because their husbands have Hallo-weenies!!!
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How does Santa count his girl elves?
HO HO HO
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People ask me what the time is all the time, and everytime, on time, I tell them, "if you look at that building it'll show you the time because you'll be watching it". Sometimes they laugh and when they don't I shrug and tell them it's a timeless joke that sucks if you work overtime and then they usually move a few centimeters away because it's nighttime in summertime and they just got finished working overtime.
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Q: What is a mummy's favorite type of music?
A: Wrap!
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Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
############### New Holiday Jokes ######################
What do get if you cross a Snowman with a Vampire? Frostbite.
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Q: What does Miley Cyrus eat for Christmas dinner?
A: Roast twerky!
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Johnny wanted to get his mom something nice for Christmas but she’s hard to shop for. Passing a pet store he thought, "Hmm, a pet might be a good idea." He walked in the pet store and asked the manager what might be a good idea. "How about a puppy?" "No," said Johnny. "It may poop around the house." "A fish?" "No, her house is small, so I don’t think an aquarium will fit." Johnny then spied a parrot and asked, "How about that parrot?" "Oh," said the manager, "That’s Chet. He’s very expensive." "Well," said Johnny, "It’s my mom let’s take a look." The manager went to Chet, put a lighter under his left wing, and Chet started to sing "Jingle bells, jingle bells..." Then the manager put a lighter under Chet’s right wig and it started to sing, "Dashing through the snow..." "Wow!" said Johnny, "What else does he sing?" The manager held the lighter under Chet’s crotch at which point Chet sang, "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire."
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Q: Why do witches wear name tags?
A: To know which witch is which!
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What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve? They go into town and blow a few bucks.
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Q: Why couldn't Dracula’s wife get to sleep?
A: Because of his coffin.
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What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
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Three men all die on Christmas Day and arrive at the pearly gates. Peter greets them and tells them that they are all evil men who should go to hell, but because it's Christmas, he'll let them into heaven if they have something representing the holiday with them. One of the guys has a Christmas ornament, and gets let in. Another guy has pine needles on his shirt, and gets let in. The third guy pulls out a pair of panties. "How do those represent Christmas?" asks Peter. "These are Carol's."
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Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.
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Why is christmas just like the day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
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Q: If April showers bring may flowers, what do mayflowers bring?
A: Pilgrims!
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Q: Why are ghosts such good cheerleaders?
A: Because they have a lot of spirit!
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Q: What do elves learn in school?
A: The Elfabet.
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Q: What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
A: Spare ribs!
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Why is Santa Claus so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
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What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house? Hope it's Halloween.
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Why isn't the turkey hungry at Thanksgiving? Because he's already stuffed!
################ Best Holiday Jokes #####################
Q: Why are vampires so easy to fool?
A: Because they are suckers.
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Q: Why do pilgrims pants fall down?
A: Because their belts are on their hats.
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A little kid was out trick-or-treating on Halloween dressed as a pirate. He rang a house's doorbell and the door was opened by a lady. "Oh, how cute! A little pirate! And where are your buccaneers?" she asked. The boy replied, "Under my buckin' hat."
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If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get? Missletoe!
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Q: Why did the skeleton cross the road?
A: To get to the body shop.
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Q: Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game?
A: Their bats flew away.
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It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'" Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?" "Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"
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How is Christmas like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
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Q: Can February march?
A: No, but April may.
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Yo momma is so short, when she went to meet Santa he said, "Go back to work!"
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Q: What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?
A: Santa stops after three hos.
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On Thanksgiving day, a little boy overhears his mom and dad fighting. He hears his mom call his dad a bastard and hears his dad call his mom a bitch. He asks, "Mommy, what does bastard mean?" She answers, "Um, it means boy." Then he asks, "Daddy, what does bitch mean?" He says, "Uh, it means girl." Later that day, the boy sees his father in the bathroom shaving; the dad accidentally cuts himself and says, "Sh*t." The son asks, "What does that mean?" The dad says, "It means shaving cream." Then he sees his mom in the kitchen carving the turkey; she accidentally cuts herself and says, "F*ck." The son asks her what that word means and she says, "It means carving." That evening, the family's guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner. The son opens the door to welcome them and says, "Welcome bitches and bastards! My dad is in the bathroom rubbing sh*t on his face and my mom is in the kitchen f*cking the turkey."
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Mother: "Sweetie, make a Christmas wish."
Girl: "I wish that Santa will send some clothes to those naked girls in papa's computer."
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A little kids sends a letter to Santa that says: "Dear Santa I want a brother for Christmas." Santa writes back, "Dear Timmy send me me your mommy."
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Yo momma is so stupid when I told her Christmas is right around the corner she went looking for it.
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Q: Why is Santa Claus' sack so big? A: He only comes once a year.
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Q: Why are ghosts bad liars?
A: You can see right through them.
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