School Jokes

A teacher asks a student, "Are you ignorant or just apathetic?" The kid answers, "I don't know and I don't care."

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Q: What is a witch's favorite subject in school?
A: Spelling.

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Johnny's teacher told the class to say a sentence using the word beautiful twice. A girl sitting next to Johnny said, "My mother put on a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." The teacher said "Very good." Johnny raised his hand and said, "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father she was pregnant and he said, 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'"

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Q: What type of exam does the vampire teacher give his students?
A: A blood test.

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Teacher: “If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?”
Vincent: “One dollar.”
Teacher: “You don’t know your arithmetic.”
Vincent: “You don’t know my father.”

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I hate school and got caught skipping the other day. My principal said, "Walk normal next time, you fruitcake."

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Timmy-Can I go the toilet?
Teacher-say the alphabet
Timmy-ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOQRSTUVWXYZ
Teacher-where's the P
Timmy-half way down my leg

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Teacher: can you see god
student: no
teacher: can you feel god
student no
teacher: can you smell god
student: no
teacher so god isn't real

*hand goes up*
Student" can you see your brain
teacher no
student can you feel your brain
teacher no
student: can you smell your brain
teacher: no
student: so you have no brain

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teacher asks to a student that if I give you 3+3 rabbits, how many do you have"?
student tells, I will have 7 rabbits.
teacher asks, how?
student tells, i already have 1 rabbit.
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How do you get a Florida State graduate off your front porch?
Pay for the pizza.

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Q: What's the difference between a pygmy tribe and a high school girls track team?
A: The pygmy tribe is a bunch of cunning little runts.

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Q: What did the verb say when the words have, has, and had were removed from the English language?
A: "Nobody's perfect!"

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It was the first day of school. Harry's mother went into his bedroom and said, "Come on Harry, get up now. You have to go to school today."
"But I don't want to go to school," replied Harry, "I want to stay in bed. Why do I have to go to school"?
"Because," answered his mother, "you're a teacher!"

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Teacher: Will any idiot in the room stand up please?
(a student stands up)
Teacher: Why do you think you are an idiot? Student: actually I don't, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself.

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Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory today. I hope there's no pop quiz.

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Q: What are a blonde's first words after graduating college?
A: "Would you like fries with that?"

#### New School Jokes ###########

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes, the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, four minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?" After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

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Q: Why did the girl wear glasses in math class?
A: It improves di-vision.

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The teacher was teaching in animal lesson.
Teacher: What does a pig do?
Student: it rolls around in mud.
Teacher: Good! What does a cow do?
Student: It makes milk!
Teacher: Great! Now, what does a crazy old monkey give you?
Student: Homework!

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Teacher: "What is the present tense for the sentence 'I killed someone'?"
Student: "The present tense would be 'I am in prison.'"

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A boy was at school and his teacher asked him to learn 3 new words over the weekend. His father is a pilot and taught him the word "takeoff." His mother is a zoo keeper and taught him the word "zebra." His big sister was going to have a baby and taught him the word "baby." He went to school the next day and his teacher asked, ''What are your three words?'' The boy said, ''Takeoff zebra baby.''

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Chintu: "You never study, so how come you don't fail your math tests?"
Pintu: "Because whenever there is a math test, I don't go to school!"

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Teacher: "What is the largest city?"
Student: "Electricity!"

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A boy went home from school. His homework was to put down the things his family said.

So he goes to his mother who was talking on the phone. The boy asked "Mum, can you help me do my homework? The mother says "Shut up!" And goes back talking on the phone. The boy wrote that down.

He then went to his father watching a football commercial saying "Hell yeah!"
So the boy wrote that down.
The boy went to his little sister and his sister said "Lollipop, Lollipop"
So the boy wrote that down.
The boy went to his little brother and the brother said "DUNDUNUNUNUN, BATMAN!"
So the boy wrote that down.

The next day, the boy went to school and the teacher said "So what are the words?"
The boy said "Shut up!"
The teacher, shocked, calmly said " Do you want to go to the principal's office?"
The boy said "Hell yeah!"

So at the principal's office, the principal said "What do you think you deserve in this situation?"
The boy said "Lollipop lollipop!"
The principal yelled "Who do you think you are?!"
And the boy said " DUNUNUNUNU, BATMAN!"

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On the first day of school, the teacher asked a student, "What are your parents' names?" The student replied, "My father's name is Laughing and my mother's name is Smiling." The teacher said, "Are you kidding?" The student said, "No, Kidding is my brother. I am Joking."

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Q: What is white when it's dirty and black when it's clean?
A: A chalkboard.

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A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is. A student puts up his hand and says 'G'. The teacher walks over to him and says, "Why is that, Angus?"

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Teacher: "Jill, where is the America on the map?"
Jill: "Right there, ma'am."
Teacher: "Correct. Now, Jack, tell me who found America."
Jack: "Jill."

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One day at school, little Jimmy needed to go to the restroom so he raised his hand. The strict substitute teacher asked him to say the full alphabet before she would let him go. "But Miss, I am bursting to go," said Jimmy. "You may go, but after you say the full alphabet." "A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-Q-R-S-T-U-V-W-X-Y-Z," he said. Catching his mistake, the substitute asked, "Jimmy, where is the 'P?'" He answered, "Halfway down my legs, Miss."

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If number two pencils are so popular why are they still number two?

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If number two pencils are so popular why are they still number two?

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Teacher: "What is the future tense of the statement: 'I had killed a thief'?"
Student: "You will go to jail."

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Q: What do elves learn in school?
A: The Elfabet.

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An English teacher told his students that when pronouncing a word beginning with the letter "H" they should ignore the "H" as in hour, honor, and honest. That day when leaving for class, he left a note for his assistant, "Please heat my rice for me." When the teacher returned to his office, he met an empty bowl. He asked the assistant, "Where is my food?" The assistant replied, "You said I should heat the rice for you, but you also instructed us to ignored the 'H.'"

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Teacher: "Where was the Constitution of India signed?"
Student: "At the bottom of the page!"

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Teacher: "Where was the Constitution of India signed?"
Student: "At the bottom of the page!"

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Q: Why did the school kids eat their homework?
A: Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake.

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A young boy comes home from school in a bad mood. His father asks him, "What's wrong, son?" The kid tells his dad that he's upset because another kid has been teasing him and calling him gay. The father says, "Punch him in the face next time he does that. I bet he'll stop." The kid replies, "Yeah, but he's so cute!"

########## Latest School Jokes ######

Teacher: "Answer this math problem: if your father earns $500 a week and gives half to your mother. What will he have?"
Student: "A heart attack."

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Teacher: What is the value of Pi?
Student: Depending on what pie. Usually is $12.99

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Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
Nobody stands up
Teacher: "I'm sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
Little Johnny stands up
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."

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Teacher: "Name a bird with wings but can't fly."
Student: "A dead bird, sir."

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Two students were arguing when their teacher entered the classroom. The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?” One boy answers, “We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.” "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was." The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

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A mother went to pick up her daughter from elementary school and found her doing handstands against the wall. When they got into the car, the mother said, "Darling, I wish you wouldn't do that because the boys can see your panties." "Okay, mommy," the little girl replied. The next day, the mother noticed her little girls hands looked dirty, so she asked, "You haven't been doing handstands again and letting those boys see your panties, have you?" "Oh no, mummy," the daughter replied. "Honestly! I took them off first."

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Q: What is the difference between a teacher and a train?
A: One says, "Spit out your gum," and the other says, "Choo choo choo!"

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Teacher: "I asked you to draw a cow and grass, but I only see a cow. Where is grass?"
Student: "The cow ate the grass, sir."

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Johnny was at school and the teacher said, "Someone use fascinate in a sentence." Sally answered, "The zoo was fascinating." The teacher said, "Sorry, Sally, I said to use fascinate in a sentence." Maria suggested, "I was fascinated at the zoo." Once again the teacher said, "No, Maria, I specifically said to use fascinate in a sentence." Johnny said, "My sister has ten buttons on her sweater." Again the teacher said, "Sorry, Johnny, I said use fascinate in a sentence." Johnny replied, "I know, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."

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Teacher: "Why are you so late?"
Student: "Someone told me to go to hell."
Teacher: "Why did that make you late to class?"
Student: "I couldn't find it at first, but now here I am."

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A science teacher tells his class, "Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1773." A blonde student responds, "Thank God I was born after 1773! Otherwise I would have died without it."

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Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. "Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almighty!" The teacher congratulated her. A little later the teacher asked her another question, "Tell me who is our lord and savior?" Joe poked Josey again and she yelled out, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher congratulated her again. Later on the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?" Joe poked Josey again and she shouted, "If you stick that thing in me again, I'll snap it in half and stick it up your ass!"

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One day Jimmy got home early from school and his mom asked, "Why are you home so early?" He answered, "Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class." She said, "Wow, my son is a genius. What was the question?" Jimmy replied, "The question was 'Who threw the trash can at the principal's head?'"

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Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"
Student: "A drinking problem."

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The bell rang for school to start and John walked in late. Mr. Clark asked, "John, why are you late?" He replied, "I was on Cherry Hill." Then he sat down. Ten minutes later Nathan walked in late and Mr. Clark repeated, "Why are you late?" Nathan answered, "I was on top of Cherry Hill." Five minutes later Kevin walked in late and Mr. Clark said to him, "Kevin, where have you been?" Kevin replied, "I was on Cherry Hill." Ten minutes later a girl walked in the classroom and Mr. Clark asked, "Hi there, what's your name?" The girl replied, "Cherry Hill."

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Boy: The principal is so dumb!

Girl: Do you know who I am?

Boy: No...

Girl: I am the principal's daughter!

Boy: Do you know who I am?

Girl: No...

Boy: Good! *Walks away*

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Yo mamma is so fat, the only good grade she got in school was an "A" in lunch.

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Dad: "Can I see your report card, son?"
Son: "I don't have it."
Dad: "Why?"
Son: "I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents."

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Teacher: "Which book has helped you the most in your life?"
Student: "My father's check book!"

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Teacher: How much is a gram?


Tyronne: Uhmm, depends on what you need

######## English Jokes #########

A young boy came home from school and told his mother, "I had a big fight with my classmate. He called me a sissy." The mother asked, "What did you do?" The boy replied, "I hit him with my purse!"

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A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, "Give me all the money or you're geography!" The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'" The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"

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A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

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A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?” The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?” “Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!”

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Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."
Kid 1: "As if."
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

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Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

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After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."

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Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

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A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."

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At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"

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Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No, salty." Mom fainted.

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In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

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An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" The student replied, "It is obviously past."

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Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
A: It's okay. He woke up.

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