Insult Jokes

He is so short, when it rains he is always the last one to know.

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If I promise to miss you, will you go away?

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I never forget a face, but in your case I will make an exception.

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Keep talking. I always yawn when I'm interested.

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You have that far look in your eyes: the farther you are, the better you look.

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Anybody who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.

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I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.

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Perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

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You're so ugly, you have to trick-or-treat over the phone.

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How do you get a Florida State graduate off your front porch?
Pay for the pizza.

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Instead of being born again, why don't you just grow up?

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You're not acting like yourself today, I noticed the improvement right away.

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If brains were gasoline, you'd have enough to get a piss ant's go-kart half way around a Cheerio.

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I hear you were born on April 2, a day too late!

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Is that your nose or are you eating a banana?

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Your house is so small you have to eat a large pizza outside.

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Someone said you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.

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I don't think you are a fool. But then what's my opinion against thousands of others?

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I don't want you to turn the other cheek. It's just as ugly.

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When you were a child, your mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you, but the Mafia wanted too much.

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He is dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome.

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They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none.

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I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.

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You are as strong as an ox and almost as intelligent.

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I wonder what you are going to do for a face when the baboon wants its ass back.

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You're proof that every good gene pool has a shallow end.

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I know you're not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be!

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I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.

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If clues were shoes, you'd go barefoot.

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Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

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Boy: you're really pretty
Girl:thanks
Boy:I wish there was something between us
Girl:I do too
Boy:really?! Like what?
Girl: a wall!

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Whatever anyone says to you goes in one ear and out the other, because nothing is blocking traffic.

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I am truly sickened by the fact that due to some grand joke on someone else's part, I am forced to have to share oxygen with you.

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I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

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Yo momma is so old God was her first boyfriend.

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If brains were gasoline, you'd have enough to get a piss ant's go-kart half way around a Cheerio.

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The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

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I know you're a self-made man. It's nice of you to take the blame!

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When God was handing out brains, Jack must have been holding the door.

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We heard that when you ran away from home, your folks sent you a note saying, "Do not come home and all will be forgiven."

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When Jack was born, his mother was charged for littering.

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You’re so skinny, you hula hoop with a Cheerio!

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After meeting you, I've decided I am in favor of abortion in cases of incest.

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They said you were a great asset. I told them they were off by two letters.

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He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear, but then again he doesn't know the meaning of most words.

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If you're going say something that stupid, you could at least fake a stroke.

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Hurry up and die already so that I can piss in your grave.

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Watching you two makes me feel like I'm watching a pair of retards with buckets on their heads, running into the wall, thinking it's each other.

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You remind me of the ocean, you make me sick.

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You need to get a life outside of the internet. Go outside, look around. I'm sure trailer parks smell lovely in the morning.

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I'm blonde, what's your excuse?

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A woman looks in the mirror and says I look fat and then asks her husband to give her a compliment he says ok you have perfect eye sight.

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He has one brain cell, and it is fighting for dominance.

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How can I keep a major nerd in suspense for 24 hours? I'll tell you tomorrow.

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Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were 16 years old before you learned how to wave goodbye.

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You're so ugly, you had tinted windows on your incubator.

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Johnny and Dave own a meat business. they are driving down a dirt road in there meat truck and hit something big bang!!!!! what the hell was that said johnny. Dave said i have know idea. johnny said go have a look. Dave comes back and said we've hit a cow. johnny said is it any good. Dave said its head is crushed. johnny said well cut its head off skin it gut it and put it in the back with the rest. so they drive down the road and hit a sheep johnny said is it any good Dave said yes johnny said skin it gut it chuck it in the back with the rest. they drove down the road a little bit more bang!!!!! what the f*ck was that said johnny i don't know. go have a look said johnny. Dave came back and said we've hit a pig johnny said is it any good yeah skin it gut it chuck it in the back with the rest. dave comes back and says what do you want me to do with his motorbike

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I like your approach, now let's see your departure.

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When Jack was born, his mother didn't know which end to put the diaper on.

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I'd ask how old you are, but I don't think you can count that high.

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After every sentence i say you say ketchup and rubber buns.

what did you eat for breakfast? "ketchup & rubber buns."

what did you eat for lunch? "ketchup & rubber buns."

what did you eat for dinner? "ketchup & rubber buns."

what do you do when you see a hot girl? "ketchup & rubber buns."

YOU WHERE RUBBING MY GF'S WHAT?!?!

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A student asked his teacher how old she was. She promptly said, "39 and holding." Then the student asked, "Well, then, how old would you be if you let go?"

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A man asks a farmer near the field, "Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:30 PM train."


The farmer says, "Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you'll even catch the 4 PM one."

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Last time I had a kiss like that, I was trying to bring my goldfish back to life.

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Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent!

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If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.

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If I had a face like yours, I'd sue my parents!

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You should be in commercials for birth control.

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I'd hate to see you go, but I'd love to watch you leave!

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How do you make your wife do anything for you?

Answer: Take away her Credit Card

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Obama, Putin and Tony were going for a walk when a giant came up to them.
He told them to bring a human killing machine from their country so as to not die from his wrath. First came Tony with a small pistol, Giant told him to put it up his ass.
then came Putin with AK-47, Giant told him to do the same, Surprisingly Putin was crying and laughing at the same time. The giant asked him why he was crying he said because of the pain, then he asked why he was laughing he then said that Obama was bringing a tank

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You're lucky to be born beautiful, unlike me, who was born to be a big liar.

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A woman had 20 children. 10 girls 10 boys, all of their names were leroy. Boys spelt Leroy girls spelt Leroigh. She met a man one day and told him how many children she had and what their names were. " why did you name all of your children Leroy/Leroigh?" The man asked. "It's easy to call them all together. For example Leroy/Leroigh time for bet time for supper." The woman laughed. The man asked "how do you call them if you only need one of the children?" The woman cackled "by their last names of course!"

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Why is it that the people with the smallest minds always have the biggest mouths?

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What did the elephant say to the naked man?

How do you breathe out of that thing

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If I wanted to listen to an asshole, I'd fart.

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Q: What is the difference between a Harley and a vacuum cleaner?
A: The location of the dirt bag.

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Sure, I'd love to help you out. Now, which way did you come in?

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I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.

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Q: What's the difference between Tom Cruise and a tuxedo?
A: One comes out of the closet on special occasions and the other is a tuxedo.

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Let's play horse. I'll be the front end and you be yourself.

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When God was throwing intelligence down to the Earth, you were holding an umbrella.

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You started at the bottom and it's been downhill ever since!

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If you call one of those psychic hotlines and they don't greet you by your name, you should hang up!

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Everyone has a right to be ugly but you abuse the privilege.

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When you die, you should have your brain donated to science. I hear they're trying to come up with the perfect vacuum.

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I believe in respect for the dead, in fact I could only respect you if you were dead.

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Why don't aliens eat clowns? Because they taste funny.

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Your family tree must be a cactus, because everyone in it is a prick.

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The teacher was teaching in animal lesson.
Teacher: What does a pig do?
Student: it rolls around in mud.
Teacher: Good! What does a cow do?
Student: It makes milk!
Teacher: Great! Now, what does a crazy old monkey give you?
Student: Homework!

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Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.

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That isn't your forehead, it's your hair trying to run away from your face!

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A man went to the All Stars game with two front row seat tickets. He sat down and then another man asked him if the other chair was taken. The man said " no, it was supposed to be for my wife." The other man said " well where is she? And he said "she died two days ago" from a stroke. The other man said "well thats unfortunate, I'm so sorry for you. But should'nt you give this seat to another family members?" And the man said, "no they're all at the funeral"

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What are you going to do for a face when the baboon calls and wants his ass back?

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Sure, I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay an admission fee.

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Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.

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Hold still, I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

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I don't mind that you are talking, so long as you don't mind that I'm not listening.

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You should do some soul-searching. Maybe you'll find one.

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Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date.

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Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
I have five fingers;
The middle one's for you.

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If beauty was a drop of water, you'd be the Sahara Desert.

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I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.

So I said, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?"

One of them snarled at me, "It's Wales, Dumbo!"

So I corrected myself, "My apologies, so are you two whales from Ireland?"

End on story

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How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?

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If ugliness were bricks, you'd be the Great Wall of China!

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Tell me, as an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

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Listen, are you always this stupid or are you just making a special effort today?

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If I was as ugly as you were, I wouldn't say "Hi" to people. I'd say "BOO!"

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What do you call an Indian man which is on fire?

Ima Singin.

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A guy is sitting at a bar, and a drunk dude walks up to him, calling his mom a whore. The first guy just ignores it and stays in his spot drinking his beer. An hour goes by and the drunk dude comes back saying, "Your mom is a whore!" The first guy looks around the bar, sees people staring and says, "Don't worry, everything is cool here," and shrugs it off. After a few more shots, the drunk dude walks up a third time and says, "Your mom... is such... a whore!" The guy finally gets mad, throws his fist on the table and says, "You know what, Dad? Go home!"

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If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used.

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How did giraffes come to be? Chuck Norris uppercut a horse.

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Your teeth are so big when you sneeze you bite your chest.

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So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.

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Your face looks like it caught on fire and somebody tried to put it out with a fork.

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Insult: Hey, you're not much of a looker, but I'll date you.
Response: Thanks. You must be very open-minded. Was that how your brain slipped out?

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What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? A BMW has pricks on the inside!

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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy, so I said, "I want a second opinion." He said, "Okay, you're ugly too."

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You're so ugly, you make blind kids cry.

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You've got your head so far up your ass you can chew your food twice.

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I hear you are very kind to animals, so please give that face back to the gorilla.

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Tom: "Were you born on the highway?"
Jerry: "Uh no, why?"
Tom: "Because that's where most accidents happen."

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You're lucky mirrors don't talk, or laugh for that matter.

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You're so stupid, you threw a rock at the ground and missed.

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Q: Who is the poorest guy in the south?
A: The Tooth Fairy.

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Well, they do say opposites attract. So I sincerely hope you meet somebody who is attractive, honest, intelligent, and cultured.

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I heard that you went to the haunted house and they offered you a job.

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You're so ugly, your husband takes you with him everywhere he goes, so he doesn't have to kiss you goodbye.

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You've got the perfect weapon against muggers. Your face.

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This is Ima Singin, I am really offended by this joke.
There is Sum Ting Wong with your sense of humor if you think thats funny

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A fat man goes into a fast food restaurant and orders his food. The cashier says that it will be a minute or two for his food. Finally his food is ready. The cashier hands the food to the fat guy and tells him, "Sorry about your weight."

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Bob: "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
Joe: "To get to the idiot's house."
Bob: "Knock knock."
Joe: "Who's there?"
Bob: "The chicken."

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Q: Why can't orphans play baseball?
A: Because they don't know where home is.

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If I throw a stick, will you go away?

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I never forget a face! But in your case I'll make an exception!

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I'll never forget the first time we met, although I'll keep trying.

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You're so fat you're the reason why the Earth is tilted.

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Q: How do you get 500 old cows in a barn?
A: Put up a Bingo sign.

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Insult: If you were any dumber, your head would implode.
Response: If you were a little bit more intelligent you'd still be stupid.

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A man and woman were having sex. After they were done, the man asks the woman, "Are you a nurse?" The woman answers, "Yes. How did you know?" The man replies, "Because you took care of me so well." Then the woman asks the man, "Are you an anesthesiologist?" He says proudly, "Yes. How do you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."

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Q: How do you leave a jackass in suspense?
A: Don't know. I'll tell you tomorrow

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If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

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china...austraila..new zealand...south africa is fighting who has the best stuff
china says they have the biggest wall
austraila says they have the best grass
new zealand says they have the best flag
south africa says they have the springbuck ..he jumps over the wall ...shits on the grass...and wipes his ass with the flag

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Man: I want to give myself to you.
Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

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Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.

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A husband says to his wife, "You know, our son got his brain from me." The wife replies, "I think he did. I still got mine with me!"

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You know you're getting fat when you say you're fat in front of your friends and nobody corrects you.

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You have so many gaps in your teeth, it looks like your tongue is in jail.

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Your Halloween costume came in the mail today. I opened it. It was a rooster mask and a bag of lollipops. Going as a c*ck sucker again!?

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One woman I was dating called and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

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You are so ugly, the last time you got a piece of ass was when your hand slipped through the toilet paper.

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God made rivers, God made lakes, God made you, Hell, everyone makes mistakes.

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A man siting at a bar asked a pretty woman sitting next to him, Excuse me, but can I smell your pussy?" "Get away from me, you pervert," she replied. "Oh, I'm sorry," exclaims the man, "It must be your feet."

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Why don't you slip into something more comfortable, like a coma.

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A man asks a woman, "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" The woman responds, "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

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