A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
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A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
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My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
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A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."
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A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"
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A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."
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A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an asshole!
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Q: What do you call stoned Mexicans?
A: Baked beans.
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Q: Why did the can crusher quit his job?
A: Because it was soda pressing.
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Q: What do you call a baptized Mexican?
A: Bean dip.
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Q. How much room is needed for fungi to grow?
A. As mushroom as possible
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Q: Why do hamburgers go to the gym A: To get better buns!
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A crab walks into a bar and asks for something to drink. The bartender says, "Sorry, we do not serve food."
################ Food Jokes in English #####################
Q. what did the nacho say to the taco?
A. I"m nacho friend
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Q: What happened when the Zucchini played baseball?
A: it got pickled
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A guy is going on an ocean cruise and he tells his doctor that he's worried about getting seasick. The doctor suggests, ''Eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock.'' The guy replies, ''Will that keep me from getting sick, Doc?'' The doctor says, "No, but it'll look really pretty in the water.''
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Yo momma is so stupid she ate her food stamps.
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I told my wife I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti. She couldn't believe it when I rode pasta.
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The employees at Taco Bell recently started wearing gloves when preparing the food. Ever wonder if their intentions are to protect their hands from the food they're serving?
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Q: What's a race car's favorite thing to eat for lunch?
A: Fast food!
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Yo momma's so poor, when I told her about the Last Supper, she thought the food stamps had run out.
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Q: What is crazy and walks along the sides of buildings?
A: A walnut.
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I work at a local fast food joint. It cracks me up when a fat ass customer orders a quadruple stacked cheeseburger, with extra sauce, a ton of extras, extra large fries with extra sauce, and then orders a small diet coke.
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Three men are all working on building a house. They go up to the roof for lunch, and unwrapped their sandwiches. The Brunette says "if I get one more Tuna sandwich, I'm going to jump off this roof and kill myself. The black haired one says "if I get one more pickle and lettuce sandwich, I, too, am going to jump off this roof and kill myself. The blonde looks at his sandwich and also declares, "if I get one more peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I'm going to jump off this roof and kill myself." The next day, they all get the same sandwiches and kill themselves. That night, their wives all meet up and mourn. "If I had known that my husband was going to kill himself over a sandwich, I wouldn't have given it to him." The brunette cries. "Same," the raven head replies. They both look at the blonde. "Don't look at me, he packed his own lunch!"
################ Best Jokes of Food #####################
Two old timers were talking after church one day and the one asks the other, "So tell me brother, what did you think of the soul food this morning?" The other replies, "The food was excellent but the service sucked!"
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A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
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Q: Why did was the Mexican fast food vendor arrested?
A: He was planning a tacover.
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Q: Why don't blondes like to make Kool-Aid?
A: They can't fit 8 quarts of water in that tiny little packet.
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Have you heard the story of the magic sandwich? Never mind, it's just a bunch of bologna.
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I went to a hot dog stand with my pet snake. I said," May I please have a hot dog for my snake?" The waitress replied, "I'm sorry, but we're all out of buns." I said, "My anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns, hun!"
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A farmer is walking with a prospective buyer when they see a beautiful pig in the yard, except it has a wooden leg. The buyer asks, "Why the wooden leg?" The farmer replies, "That pig is so smart, I let it drive the kids to school."
"Great, but why the wooden leg?"
"The pig is so smart it has a degree in horticulture and philosophy."
"Amazing! But why the bloody wooden leg?"
"Well when you have a pig that smart you don't eat it all at once!"
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Did you hear about the butcher who backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.
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Q: What did the grape say when it was stepped on?
A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
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Q: How do you make an egg-roll?
A: You push it!!!
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Did you hear the joke about the butter?
I do not think I should tell you because you might spread it around...
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A disciple went to his master and said, "I have served you faithfully for ten years. Now I have a wish: give me something to eat which will never end." His master said, "Here, have some chewing gum."
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I just bought a cured ham; I wonder what it had.
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Q: What do you call a cow with two legs?
A: Lean beef.
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Q: What was Ludwig van Beethoven's favorite fruit?
A: Ba-na-na-na!
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There were two cannibals who captured a man. They decided it would be fair if they started eating from opposite ends. After a few minutes, the one who started at the head asked the other one, "How's it going down there?" And the other one replies, "I'm having a ball!"
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
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Q: Why did the tofu cross the road?
A: To prove he wasn't chicken.
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A man walks into a bar and sits down. He asks the bartender, "Can I have a cigarette?" The bartender replies, "Sure, the cigarette machine is over there." So he walks over to the machine and as he is about to order a cigarette, the machine suddenly says, "Oi, you bloody idiot." The man says with surprise in his voice, "That's not very nice." He returns to his bar stool without a cigarette and asks the bartender for some peanuts. The bartender passes the man a bowl of peanuts and the man hears one of the peanuts speak, "Ooh, I like your hair." The man says to the bartender, "Hey, what's going on here? Your cigarette machine is insulting me and this peanut is coming on to me. Why's this?" The bartender replies, "Oh, that's because the machine is out of order and the peanuts are complementary."
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If tomatoes are a fruit, isn't ketchup a smoothie?
############### Latest food jokes ######################
Q. What do you call a fake noodle?
A. An Impasta!
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Q: How do you get a blond on the roof?
A: You tell her the food is on the house.
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Q: Why can't you tell an egg a joke?
A: Because it will crack up.
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Q: Where do you learn how to make ice cream?
A: Sundae School
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Q:How do you know a clock is still hungry?
A: It goes back four seconds.
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Waiter: "Do you want any dessert?"
Teddy Bear: "No Thanks. I'm Stuffed!"
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Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.
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A fat man goes into a fast food restaurant and orders his food. The cashier says that it will be a minute or two for his food. Finally his food is ready. The cashier hands the food to the fat guy and tells him, "Sorry about your weight."
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It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks. Father Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars. Mother Bear sticks her head out the kitchen door and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mother Bear who go up first. It was Mother Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mother Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mother Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mother Bear who set the table. It was Mother Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish. And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence, listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time: I haven't made the f*cking porridge yet!"
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Q: What kind of key opens a banana?
A: A monkey.
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A lot of people cry when they cut an onion. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
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Q: What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
A: Spare ribs!
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Q. What's a shark's favorite sandwich?
A. Peanut butter and jellyfish!
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Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.” Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.” It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.” “I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”
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Q. Why did the apple run away?
A. Because the banana split!
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Q: Why didn’t the melons get married?
A: Because they cantaloupe.
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Two old friends crossed paths after not seeing one another for almost a decade.
Utkarsh: "What are you doing these days?"
Sparsh: "PHD."
Utkarsh: "Wow! You're a doctor!"
Sparsh: "No, Pizza Home Delivery."
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Q: How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A: Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
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Q: How do you turn white chocolate into dark chocolate?
A: Turn off the light.
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Yo mama so fat the bears have to hide their food from her when she goes camping.
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Q: If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?
A: Big hands.
################# new food jokes ####################
Your Halloween costume came in the mail today. I opened it. It was a rooster mask and a bag of lollipops. Going as a c*ck sucker again!?
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a wedding cake.
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An Italian mother says, "If you don't eat all the food on this plate, I'll kill you." A Jewish mother says, "If you don't eat all the food on this plate, I'll kill myself."
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Q: Why do the French eat snails?
A: They don't like fast food.
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Q: What do cats eat for breakfast?
A: Mice Krispies.
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Yo momma so fat her favorite food is seconds.
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Q: How come oysters never donate to charity?
A: Because they are shellfish.
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You've got your head so far up your ass you can chew your food twice.
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A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food!" The panda yells back, "Hey man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda, "A tree climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats, shoots, and leaves."
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Q: What do you call a sad coffee?
A: Depresso.
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